These Unspoken Words

Testing

2011-10-16T19:17:00.001-04:00

One... Two... Any of my readers still out there?? Going to start posting again...

Cute pictures within

2010-10-06T18:37:00.000-04:00

Okay. Time for me to clean. And fold clothes. And work. And work. And work. And work. And work. And maybe by Friday at 12:01am, I will be able to sleep. Yes. I know it's Wednesday. Such is the major suckage of the day. =P

I could eat the butt out of a dead rhinoceros.....

2010-09-28T18:31:00.000-04:00

Hey, you there, in Colorado Springs... who the heck are you? I'm posting this blog just for you because you seem to be anxiously awaiting something!! LOL!!

Let's see... what's new. Our digital speedometer in our car is freaking out. It will read zero, then randomly throw up some crazy numbers (like 88... going down Ledo Rd... YEEEEEAH RIGHT!!). Then it shows our fuel economy to be like 2mpg, or 6mpg, or whatever. So basically the electronics are frying out. Gonna have it looked at soon.

Took this pic while going 35-40ish mph

We all went shopping the other day for Jake's birthday stuff, trying to figure out what his second gift would be. This year instead of several small things, we opted for only TWO large things, one of which will obviously be shared. The reason for two is because he's having two parties to avoid any political/familial strain and also because of scheduling conflicts.

Here we are at Wal-Mart...

The boys finally got new shoes

Aaaaaaaaaand we picked Jake's second birthday gift.

So if anyone wants to send Leapster 2 games, I'm sure he would LOVE some!!!

His other gift? The one he has to share with Mikah?

THAT, my friends, is why 99.9% of his toys are in the closet. To make room for THE BEAST OF A TRAIN TABLE. And you'd better believe I'm going to glue all that crap down!!!!

That's all for day. I've spent the day cleaning and rearranging furniture and I'm still not finished. But now, to get ready for church and eat and all that jazz. Lawd, I'm exhausted.

Exhaustion.

2010-09-22T17:56:00.000-04:00

Kris is always complaining about how I'm always tired. So let me break down my week for ya. Now this is not a typical week since I normally do F/S/S T/W... but this week I had Friday off.

So...

Saturdays. Work 3-11:45. Get home right before midnight. Hang out with Kris until 1am talking, arguing, or doing whatever. Mikah wakes up and stirs in the bed around 5:30am but I can normally keep him in the bed (albeit with me half-awake) until 8am. So... that's 4.5ish hours of decent sleep (whist Kris sleeps through me dealing with Mikah). Sometimes Kris gets up with the kids and I sleep from 8 until 10ish (not solid sleep--the kids come in about every 10 minutes screaming and jumping on me...). Otherwise, I get up with them and once Kris gets up at 10 I will lay down for an hour or so. So... that's about 5.5 hours of total sleep.

Repeat for Sunday. (Normally Friday is the same also).

Tuesday morning Kris lets me sleep in until 11. Sometimes if Mikah comes and naps with me it will be until noon. Then he normally works, or we take the kids to GMIL's house. I stay up until work then work until 6:30 Wednesday morning. Sleep until about 2 (restlessly--it's hot here during the day and we have no dark curtains or anything so it's bright). Kris picks the kids up on his way home from work and we spend the evening together until I go back to work.

I work until 6:30 Thursday morning... the kids will be home tomorrow with Kris so I will sleep (restlessly) until about 1:30. Then I will get up... shower... and go back to work at 2:30 until 11:30pm. Back to the 5.5 hours of sleep thing... except on the first night being back on 2nd shift I won't be ABLE to just go to sleep. I'll be wired until about 4am and then as soon as I doze off, Mikah will wake up.

So yes... I'm tired a lot. I'd rather just work third shift ALL week long so I don't have to rotate my schedule around so much. I'd rather work as some kind of law enforcement/EMT/etc where I do twelve hours shifts (2/2/3) like they do around here. it's NICE. It's stable. But then again Kris doesn't want me to be a po-po because it's too dangerous. So EMT it will be. And hey, one of these days when I'm not stupid-exhausted... I'll go to Albany Tech and sign up for EMT school. And maybe I'll make it to Wal mart to get my new contacts that came in, since I'm on week 6 of this 2-week pair...

But for now I'm enjoying a moment of silence. The kids are still at GMIL's... I'm sore from restless sleep... and I go back into work at 10:45 tonight. I fixed the spacebar on the laptop. Buuuuut I need to do something about that laundry room. At the very least I need to climb behind the washer and get the busted case of detergent so I can pour it into something else and do a load or two of clothes.

Anyway. Obligatory pics.

I'll always be the girl in the song

2010-09-20T15:03:00.003-04:00

I have been on autopilot for what feels like weeks. Kris and I have been arguing, then compromising, then going back on compromises. Wash rinse repeat. I have come to HATE several songs because they have been my text ringtones. So I change that ringtone about once a day now. I dread getting phone calls. I dread getting texts. Sometimes I just want to change my number and move to Antarctica.

Right now my mode of escape is reading Kushiel's Dart. It's about a high-class courtesan who is cursed with the gift of... well, she gets off to pain, basically. And she uses her, uh, "gifts" to extract information from high-ranking nobles. I read it as a freshman in high school and forgot most of it. Back then it was a three part series... now it's NINE. So... much reading to do.

I got car seat mail. And the kids took it upon themselves to enjoy the packing peanuts thoroughly.

We went to J&E's for the first time... and it was AMAZZZZING!!

Here's one pic of the boys at Daddy's work. More coming eventually if I ever upload them! LOL

As for the more serious stuff... I just don't feel like elaborating right now. My brain hurts. Last night at work I was just pissy and irritated and downright mean and hateful. Not sure why. I got to feeling better around dark:thirty though. Got to see a few regulars that cheered me up. :) I guess as antisocial as I seem, I really am just a people-person at heart. As long as those "people" aren't "painfully stupid". I think that might make me a "bitch"... hahaha.

Oh!! oh oh OH!! How could I forget? I bought and wore a mini-skirt. Yeeeeep. Go ahead and get your giggles out...

That's all kiddos. Gotta finish laundry and deal with "WAAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAH MAMAAAAA I WANT THIIIIIIIIS I WANT THAAAAAAAT NOOOOOWWWWWW" ;)

Dear FedEx

2010-09-15T16:48:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow would be awesome. Because I will be off and I will be able to play with my package.

But Friday? Friday would suck. Because I'd be at work all night wishing I was home to play with my package.

Please deliver early. Plz?!?!?!

Paramore show!!

2010-09-07T14:30:00.000-04:00

Bands: Kadawatha (from Sweden), New Found Glory, Tegan and Sara, Paramore

HOODIE!!!

I know, I've been slackin'

2010-09-07T14:26:00.000-04:00

There's just been waaaaaaaay too much going on lately, sorry!!

We've been working with Jake on his letters. This is the Montessori style of teaching where you don't teach the name of letters, you teach the sound of them. You also trace the letters as you're making the sound so you can lay the foundation for writing while you're at it. Jake is good with the M, F, S, and A after 2 days. After we do a few more we may work on starting to put the sounds together for 3 letter words.

I'll make a separate post about the Paramore concert in a minute, but while we were in Atlanta, we went to an upscale Baby store to try out the Radian in the car. Jake's been complaining that the Nautilus "Make my butt hurt" so he's been riding in Mikah's seat and Mikah's been forward facing (which I am NOT comfortable with) and so I've come to the realization that it'd be best to get Jake a new seat. I just wanted to try it out for angle's sake to see if I could get it decently upright. We're actually getting the RNXTSL in Nitro (I may buy a Ventura cover later if I don't like the mesh) and I'm getting it from a c-s.o member for a great price.

This is how much room he has in Mikah's seat rear-facing and forward-facing

And here is the Radian which is SEVERAL inches taller (and also goes to 45lbs rear-facing instead of 35... Jake is 32.8lbs) (this is the RN65SL so I think it only goes to 40RF)

This is the baby store. DROOOOOL.

The boys did great staying away from mama and daddy for 3 days and 2 nights!

The new Publix opened!! <3

They give cookies to kids =P

Doodle enjoying some Gummis on the front porch

Kris and I have had some insane marital issues we've been working through, which I'd rather not discuss publicly at this time. I've been stressed, frustrated, and smoking way too much. I work third shift tonight, which I'm sure means I'll be getting a phone call and text every 2 minutes. Woo. But either way, it's my time by myself. Gonna finish reading the Twilight spoof book (Nightlight).

In other news I'm planning Jake's birthday parties (yes, that's plural). Politics and family dynamics dictate that we have to have two to avoid bloodshed and hard feelings. Not that I mind--I'm sure Jake is stoked and that means he'll get both a Thomas cake and a hockey cake. More details as plans are made. :)

Have a nice day everyone. Enjoy Paramore show pics coming in a few minutes!!

Oh dedicated reader....

2010-08-27T19:33:00.001-04:00

Dear

174.103.27.# (Unknown Organization)

...

You visit my blog every 2 days like clockwork. You visited at 3pm today. I'm dying of curiosity....... who are you?!

Blast from the past.... July 2008

Sucks

2010-08-24T09:15:00.000-04:00

When you think you know someone

I'll always wonder what the hell he was thinking.

It's been

2010-08-23T22:02:00.000-04:00

A terrible horrible no good very bad week.

That is all.

My boys

Paramore SEPTEMBER FIRST!!!!!!

2010-08-16T23:16:00.001-04:00

Socks

2010-08-09T01:05:00.000-04:00

How has everyone been?

The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch with, never saying a word, and walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you've had. ~Author Unknown

I have been okay. I'm alive. That's more than a lot of people got today. :)

I'm OFF tomorrow (yay!). Kris works. Tuesday I clean one house (next week I start a 2nd house). It'll be my fourth week and I'm actually enjoying it. I know, right... hahaha. I've always enjoyed cleaning. Just not with kids screaming at my ankles. It's so quiet over there--creepy quiet--and I swear they must clean right before I show up or something or they're never there... Anyway. The last post down is their cat that I've totally fallen for.

I work thirds on Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm tired just thinking about it because Kris works Wednesday during the day. Gonna see if I can take the kids somewhere so I can pass out for a few hours otherwise I'll have to go 36 hours awake and I'm just not that into that. :)

We love the new place. We keep the A/C at 73 but it feels colder. It's niiiiiiiice. Niiiiiiice and cold. Did I mention we keep it cold? Oh yeah, we keep it cold. And the kids sleep SOOOOOO well. The only thing I hate is the kitchen sink. There's no spray-thing and it's super-shallow. Other than that I pretty much love everything about it. But I knew that when we found it. I walked in and said THIS IS IT. I saw the backyard and said THIS IS SO IT. I saw how close we were to everything (store, library, post office, police department) and said OMG YES YES YES. We moved in a week later.

Anyway onto the fun part of the post... pictures!!

The only downfall of being married to someone who loves feet...

(postsecret)

Sometimes I wonder if kids would do a better job at politics than we adults do.

And my last gem of the night... Name this movie:

(postsecret)

And...... don't ask.

More pics!!!!

2010-08-05T22:54:00.000-04:00

Moving Week pics

2010-08-05T22:40:00.000-04:00

Quick update

2010-07-29T04:02:00.001-04:00

We're moved. Internet at work is sketchy. Internet at home should be up next Wednesday.

Be safe everyone!!

Oh, Madea...

2010-07-19T01:42:00.000-04:00

"If somebody wants to walk out of your life, let - them - go!"

"Some people are meant to come into your life for a lifetime, some for only a season and you got to know which is which. And you're always messing up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.

I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. When the wind blows, they're over there... wind blow that way they over here... they're unstable. When the seasons change they wither and die, they're gone. That's alright. Most people are like that, they're not there to do anything but take from the tree and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at people like that, that's who they are. That's all they were put on this earth to be. A leaf.

Some people are like a branch on that tree. You have to be careful with those branches too, cause they'll fool you. They'll make you think they're a good friend and they're real strong but the minute you step out there on them, they'll break and leave you high and dry.

But if you find 2 or 3 people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of that tree you are blessed. Those are the kind of people that aren't going nowhere. They aren't worried about being seen, nobody has to know that they know you, they don't have to know what they're doing for you but if those roots weren't there, that tree couldn't live.

A tree could have a hundred million branches but it only takes a few roots down at the bottom to make sure that tree gets everything it needs. When you get some roots, hold on to them but the rest of it... just let it go. Let folks go."

"If you don't know how to be by yourself, what are you going to do with somebody else?"

"It's doesn't matter what people call you, it only matters what you answer to".

Pick it up, pick it up now

2010-07-18T00:23:00.000-04:00

Okay. Okay. I need to drag myself up. 'Cause no one else is gonna do it.

1. Unofficially sorta start a new job Monday (in addition to my awesome job that I already have). In doing this I am finally going to meet my good friend's girlfriend... the one I've heard so much about for months and months but never actually seen with my own eyes (I was starting to think she was just a figment of his imagination.......).

2. Kris, JC, and Jaime got a lot of stuff moved into our new place today. Of course most of it is soaking wet. Because as soon as the trailer was loaded the bottom just DROPPED out.

3. Worked with Marie tonight. Y'all, she is a trip. And she never misses a beat! She can take whatever the Brothers dish out and give twice as much crap right back!

4. All my favorite people came in tonight. motoMike stayed longer than usual (which Kris was upset about, explanation to follow:). His brother is dating this girl that's moved into their house. She's like... the Nanny had a baby with Spongebob. I'd never go home. Anyway, Goober was up too. hockeyMike. Jimmy worked McD's and put in his two weeks notice today--he's going back to Athens. Shica came up and hung out for a few hours. She really really REALLY made my day great. I miss her SO much!!

5. I work 3 thirds this week. I figured Kris would be excited since I have two days off in a row (Sun/Mon) but instead he focused on the negative.

6. Insert random positive thing about my day here.

7. Repeat number six.

8. My dad came by today. Jake LOVES Junior so they had a blast!!

Okay, I got tired of being positive. Instead I'm about to share the house pics with you and then go make a DayZero list (101 things to accomplish in 1,001 days).

PICS

I love it. And standing inside today... I just felt so, so safe.

Quickie

2010-07-16T23:25:00.000-04:00

1. Yeah that got you excited, didn't it??

2. We got the place in Leesburg. It's $225 less per month than the other place. And it's in a MUCH better location. One less bedroom but one more bathroom--and honestly I'd rather have the bathroom!! Bonus points: I can see the PD from my house. And walk to pay my water bill, and mail stuff, and grocery shop.

3. I finally understand, dammit. =D Of course it's still a pain to sit and listen to an entire conversation that has more numbers than words in it... I just blank-out when they all get together and do that though LOL!! I mean, jeez, I can't memorize ALL of them!!

4. I DVR'd a new Linkin Park concert the other night and we watched it last night. I totally forgot how freakin' awesome they were!! They were almost all I listened to around 2000-2001. And, uh, Mike Shinoda is smokin' hot, too. (The guy that does the rap vocals and plays about 25,000 instruments)

5. PICS

HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY MIKAH!!!

Just to clarify!!! (LANGUAGE)

2010-07-14T19:01:00.002-04:00

Best comic strip ever!!!

Kahluahunt, aka Dizzy Up the Girl

2010-07-12T23:39:00.000-04:00

I had to google Kahlua to make sure I spelled it right. Because when I had it at a restaurant a few weeks ago, I used it three different times in text messages and didn't get it right the first damn time. (Khalua, kalhua, kalua... by then I was pretty dizzy).

Anyway. Saturday night was Grandparents night for the kids. And since Kris and his friends all had beer, it seemed appropriate I should have something too. But I didn't feel like beer at all. I wanted something sweet.

So the girl (J) and I decide to go to the liquor store. At 1am. On a Saturday (technically Sunday). We figure since you can buy beer at curb stores *IN ALBANY* until 3am, then surely a liquor store would be open.

WRONG. Nada. Not one.

So let me tell you really quick about earlier that day. There's this guy who comes in my store EVERY DAY and he's a bouncer at this place called One Trick Pony. Kay? I ask him if he has to work that night and he says not until much later. I ask him where the place is and he tells me, and I say "It's my off weekend, maybe I'll cya tonight!"

With, of course, zero intentions of it since Kris is already at home with beer. And I have no money. ($5 cover charge).

So anyway, back to the evening at hand. Turns out J knows all the people that run OTP and she tries to talk them into just selling us a bottle of Kahlua. Which they can't because it's illegal. But we tried. And lo and behold, as we walk to the door, there is that guy I know. I'm like HEY! I said I'd be here! How weird that I actually ended up here!!

Anyway, I wind up running into 2 people I know (and another one that says, "Hey, aren't you that chick that works at the Flash Foods?" Yeeeeah, that's me...)

So finally we decide to go to the BP on Dawson, so we can support the Indians and the massive hemorrhage of toxicity that's ruining my seafood experience. I say, what the hell, and I buy a bottle of wine.

I've never had wine before.

It doesn't taste like alcohol.

That is all. Goodnight. =P

He She It Slacker

2010-07-10T00:43:00.000-04:00

Way too tired for a real post. Sorry. I work 2nd again tomorrow and Sunday, then 3rd Tue/Wed. Come ON TUESDAY!!!!!!

Pics to tide you over:

NAKED PICTURES!!!!!! OMGZ NAKED PICTURES!!!!!!!
Of car seats. Gotcha all excited no?

The boys got a police station Duplo set. They <3 it!

They want fishies.

Pic from the other night. Three little po po's all in a row. And no, not one of those is my guys--these are all county cops!! Of course later that night I DID have 3 of my guys' cars all in a row, just didn't snap a pic.

And that's it from me tonight.

Mikah's birthday is tomorrow. He's TWO. Well technically it's today (the 10th) I just haven't gone to bed yet.

We got him his own lawn mower. It's in the trunk of the car. It talks. it creeps me the heck out. Every time the car moves I hear it. Eep!!!

Almost like the kung fu pandas....... HAI-YAH!!!!!!!!
(If you know, you know... lol)

These words and hold our breath

2010-07-08T16:00:00.000-04:00

And I'll write you just to let you know
That I'm alright....
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
'Cause I'm not..... Well, I'm not......

Sorry. I have about two or three Paramore songs that really do it for me per week. I mean, I love them all. Absolutely. I just cling onto two or three favorites a week. This week it's "Here We Go Again" and "That's What You Get". =D

I think Kris is working a double again. I had a babysitter this morning watching the boys but I left my bedroom door open, so I slept a weeeeee little bit. And was interrupted about every 3 minutes. Literally. You think I kid. I do not. Finally Mikah napped and as soon as I passed out really good Jake came in and started whining. I was like...... "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASDFJSDKDFOIJWOCKEWLKNSDJOAINCKJSDFQEFONDFLKSJDFOIWEN". I'm glad no one took a picture of the evil demons taking over my body. =P

Anyway. I'd post more but..... I'm yawning so much it's stupid. I was so tired this morning that I left my wallet at work and had to go back and get it when I dropped my babysitter off at home. Shhhhh don't tell de po po. 'Course riding to the store isn't nearly as *OMGWTF* as me riding on a suspended license for three years, eleven months, and 28 days. (Hiiiiiiii Chriiiiiiiiiisssssss.........)

ANYWAY.
Love,
Sunshine

Sooooo sleeeeeeeepy

2010-07-07T08:13:00.000-04:00

Kris and I decided last week that, since he loathed my working 3rd shift almost as much as he loathes life before noon, we would make an alternate sleep arrangement.

I would stay up with the kids when I got home. So he could sleep all morning (basically until 2pm or so). Then I could sleep from 2-10pm (in theory) and it would seem like I was just gone at work doing second shift.

In order for me to survive this arrangement he has to let me sleep the night before I work my first night. A short nap in the evening (ideally 5-9pm?). Yep. Then I work 11-6 and stay up until early afternoon. No biggie.

Except yesterday he had plans. He let me nap a little less than 2 hours in the morning (9-11am or so?) because we were supposed to go to his friend's to grill out. After exhausting ourselves half to death getting the kids ready, we went to hang out with his friend. It was great but eventually I got crazy-tired from not sleeping enough (I had stayed up LATE in order to try and adjust my body to working 3rds the next two nights---so I was up until 2am).

Anyway, the kids and I came home around 530pm and he was going to be home around or before 8. I was thrilled because then I could sleep more than two whole hours before work.

But no such luck. He wound up getting home at almost 10. So I basically had time to get ready for work and go.

And this morning he wants to bring up the "ooooohhhhh but you said we'd do it THIS way." stuff. Yeah. We will. But you have to hold up YOUR end of the deal first.

I managed to compromise on 9am since Mikah "didn't sleep at all". So now I'm just trying to stay awake as best as possible until 9am. 48 more minutes. So I can hopefully sleep in peace from 9 to 3pm.

Tired. I'm tired. So don't text or call unless you're dead today.

Just a few pics

2010-07-05T19:15:00.000-04:00

Because I'm too dang exhausted for anything else.

Few more on my phone. May upload later. =P

We looked at a house today on the Avenues. Keep your fingers crossed!! LOVED it--older, hardwood floors, new appliances, 3 bedroom 1 bath, fireplace, living room and den, sun room/screened porch (also contains washer/dryer woo!! And can be closed off to be heated/cooled). Fenced backyard with a shed. Niiiiiiiiice. <3 A hair out of our price range but certainly workable, and owned by this wonderful couple that we sat and talked to for almost two hours this afternoon!!

Oh Star, fall down on me

2010-07-04T13:22:00.000-04:00

(postseret)

Every night before I go to sleep I pray for a long, long list of people. I pray for (TGWTH) Mike and his mom, and hockeymom's mom, and my mom, and my dad, and Goober, and my kids, and Kris, and several more. Those are just the ones I tend to mention by name. I realize that I probably waste a lot of time and energy worrying about other people and their problems and wanting them all to be okay, but that's my nature and I can't help it. So I lay those worries to rest before I go to sleep. I'll never know if it's helping but I hope it is, especially since i can't help most of these people tangibly.

Oh star fall down on me
Let me make a wish upon you
Hold on, let me think
Think of what I'm wishing for

Wait, don't go away.
Just not yet.
Cause I thought,
I had it.
But I forget.

And I won't let you fall away,
From me.
You will never fade.
And I won't let you fall away.
From me.
You will never fade away from me.

(Paramore)

Work 3-11 tonight and I need a nap before I go!

Love,

Sunshine

Trying to stay awake!!

2010-06-28T23:04:00.000-04:00

Mikah didn't feel like sleeping last night for whatever INSANE reason, so I was up tossing and turning with him.

I literally fell asleep in my chair at 8pm earlier. I wanted to crawl into bed SO BADLY but didn't because I'm trying to re-wire for the next two nights.

The best thing that's happened to me all week? The high point of my week? Okay, okay, okay, it's the 2nd best thing.
THE HAT. IS MINE.

I know I'm totally sportin' the serious look. I posed for this picture 20 times (ask @Jimmy, he was standing there laughing at me taking pictures of myself) and they all looked totally stupid.

Mikah rode forward-facing for the first time (and last time in awhile!!). He is 30lbs so he has 5 more pounds to go before turning around (and at LEAST one more year). But, I only had 1 seat and had to get them both to Gigi's so I took them one at a time =D

He kept patting his chest and saying "Jake Jake's. Jake Jake's!"

When you get super tired at work at 3am, you light a cigarette and lay down. On the ground. Outside. And it stops being gross when it's dark for some reason.

And then you're like... "Hey... that light is burned out!"

Once the lot clears out you let motoMike do wheelies

The reason it's ALL blurry is because I was literally still walking out the door when I took this. I walked out, heard that exact moment that he was about to pop that wheel up, and pulled my phone out and SNAP!!

Anyway. Mikah is fighting with me. Here's to hoping he goes back to sleep quickly and painlessly....

Random fact of the day

2010-06-27T14:55:00.000-04:00

I HAVE solved the Rubics cube.

With the directions.

postsecret

Miracle

2010-06-27T09:18:00.002-04:00

Thank you.

Nights!!!

2010-06-26T02:32:00.000-04:00

So. Rundown of the dynamics of third shift.

*I love it. LOVE it. If I wasn't so attached to my weekend regulars that come in on 2nd, I'd love being 3rd full time.

*11pm to 12:30am is busy. And I use the term loosely. It's what I would normally consider "dead" on second shift.

*12:30am to 430am is maybe five customers, total. This is when mopping and chain smoking happens. And extensive interesting conversations with various members of law enforcement. Sometimes some youtubing.

*430am to 6am is when all the morning people come in (and some not-so-morning people LOL). This is also when I run around like a chicken with my head cut off to make coffee, front the coolers, start the paperwork, and deal with happy go lucky people. Or rather, people who are bitchy because they have to be awake, and even more bitchy that *I* am happy-go-lucky because I just got my third wind :)

*I put this asterisk here and forgot what I was going to write.

*Things that have been awesome thus far about 3rd shift:
---Philly cheez steaks
---The SILENCE
---The way the Flash Foods sign looks when you're on the ground smoking a cigarette.
---The slight modifications to dress code (ie..... hats! Guy shorts!)
---Coffee. But not just any coffee... special coffee!
---Running across the parking lot to get enough adrenaline to wake up
---Or having some insane cop get button-happy inside his car while you're sitting on his oh-shit-rack. Heart attack in 3... 2... "HOLY SHIT THAT'S LOUD!"
---Coming home and crawling into bed at seven in the morning. And sleeping ON MY STOMACH because I have the KING SIZE BED aaaaaaaaall to myself!!!!!!!!
---The drive home. I LOVE the drive home. The sun is just coming up and everything is wet with dew and the day is new but I'm going home to close my eyes for awhile before facing it. I get to enjoy the beauty of those first moments of day without having to get up early!!
---Seeing my gorgeous boys first thing in the morning when they are so happy!! Normally I don't appreciate this time of day because I'm cranky and tired LOL!
---Seeing airplanes in the night sky and pretending that they're shooting stars. I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now. =D

Anyway it's 2:16am and I need to readjust my schedule. Even though, uh, I work one more day before going back on 3rd for two more days.

I miss chocolate chip pancakes. I have the chips...... someone bring me some pancake mix!!!!!!!
Working 2-10 or 3-11 tomorrow, I'm not sure since they changed the schedule.

"Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing that we see to late the one that is opening."

/AGB

Wooooooork

2010-06-22T23:53:00.001-04:00

3rd shift, tonight and tomorrow night. Woot!!

I'm officially full time. Meaning I work nights 2 nights a week. Basically I work Th/F/Sa 2nd shift, and Tu/W 3rd. WOOOO!!!!!!!

More later. Gotta stay awake ;)

Post number 201: These Unspoken Words

2010-06-21T00:32:00.000-04:00

My current blog title is "These Unspoken Words" and I figured I'd explain the origin of this.

Years and years and years and years and YEARS ago, I was 12 or 13 or so and thought AIM messenger was the coolest thing in the universe. I would scour AIM profiles for people with cool quotes, and steal their quotes. One night I found one and just randomly sent a message. Figured, what the hell.

I wound up chatting with this girl for seven years off and on. She was a year older than I was, maybe two. Lived in Freeport, Long Island. I remember her getting her permit. License. Getting her first guitar (a black Takamine). Calling her cell so I could hear her sing on her voicemail box (back when sending songs or streaming video were just a figment of the imagination---we had 36k dial up LOL). I remember when she first thought she had a crush on a girl... and then the three-year ordeal of wondering A) whether this girl was straight or not, B) asking her out, and C) their several year long relationship.

But anyway. The origin. One day we finally had the patience to sit and let an entire song transfer over dial-up. The song was called "unspoken" (which, if you went to high school with me, you'll recall that it was also my penname for the Muse). I kept that song on my (mom's) computer for eons until finally we lost everything, and I listened to it often. It was a GREAT song. Just slow, acoustic, and sad. Think Dallas Green meets Sarah McLachlan.

The lyrics went something like "These unspoken words will bring us down... when we won't speak of the past... won't speak of I'm sorry... I'm sorry."

That's the only part I remember now (8-9 years later).

And yes... she still exists!

So there ya have it. The uber-boring origin of my blog name.

Turn it Off

2010-06-20T01:25:00.001-04:00

I was trying to explain this song to someone earlier tonight and my brain wasn't working. At all. I don't even think I was making complete coherent sentences.

So here are the lyrics. =P

I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false illusions
Just to come out the hero

Well, I can see behind the curtain
(I can see it now)
The wheels are cranking, turning
It's all wrong, the way we're working
Towards a goal that's non-existent
It's not existent, but we just keep believing

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
Just turn it off
Again, again, again

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

10 things, yes yes yes

2010-06-19T01:09:00.000-04:00

Because I need a pick-me-up. As in pick-my-damn-self-up.

1. This car. Oh, how I miss this car. You can seven see the red above the rear driver's side tire. Where I mashed the living hell out of a Kia. (I mean.... her front end.. was not there...)

2. My gorgeous, gorgeous boys

3. The way Mikah's hair smells when he sleeps

4. The way Jake is speaking SO clearly. Right here he's saying "This is my cool trick cool trick!"

5. The way you could ride your bike down a country road in Indiana with a jar in your hand... and catch dozens of lightning bugs.

6. White out driving. In case you don't know, this is where you're driving at night. In a blizzard. And you turn your headlights OFF, because you can actually see more. I saw it on the history channel the other day and it brought back SO many memories of doing just that!!

7. Skylines. There are a few that are just so stunning.

8. Friends that you can trust.

9. A hope for the future.

10...

(postsecret)

~~I never thought I'd be willing to settle~~

~~For a skyline sinking into the ground~~

~~But I don't need tall buildings when I'm lost in your eyes~~

~~Don't be scared... I'm sticking around~~

~~I never thought I'd be willing to let go~~

~~Of all my insane childhood dreams~~

~~But sometimes an unrealized fantasy~~

~~Is better than it seems~~

Blech.

Update (w/ pics, yay!)

2010-06-14T00:31:00.000-04:00

I've been working a lot

and been suuuuuper busy.

I've been exhausted.

I've had fun. Um. Lots of fun. Playing a little bitty prank. A tiny one. And supposedly "paybacks are hell" and I need to be watching my back!!

Little does he know that that was just our warm-up. We have something very, very simple but quite hilarious that is coming soon. But, I think he'll just laugh at this one.

AAAAAAAAANYWAY.....

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take
[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more awareI'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you
[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I will try to be better about posting. Promise. I know, I always cop-out with lyrics but forgive me this once.

Love
Sunshine

Eep!!

2010-06-02T20:25:00.000-04:00

Sorry guys!!!

I've been busy. Kids. Life. Working 3rd shift for a couple of days and then 2nd again and getting my sleep all upside-down.

I typed up chapters 4 thru 15. I'm at 31 typed pages of "the story". They are in Washington and they are getting up the next day to make it across the state for the climax of the story.

I'll do better updating. Promise! When the story's totally finished... I'll post it (gradually).

Oh Postsecret....

2010-05-23T18:17:00.002-04:00

Everyone has someone that this makes them think of.

Dark dark dark

2010-05-23T00:12:00.001-04:00

Tonight at work I was just in one of those moods. I know I know, I'm SUNNY right? But I was just feeling so down and dark and couldn't shake it. Hell, I should have been ecstatic with all of my favorite people coming in (ALL of them!! Numerous times!!) but for some reason I was just down.

I mean... it was a great night!! After having a great day!! What gives?

We got up today and Jake was wild and his normal self, and then suddenly he complained that his foot and neck were hurting and had a fever. Just out of nowhere. When this happened we were all packing up to have a day out. We asked if he wanted to stay home with Granny but he said no, he wanted to go eat pancakes. So we gave him a little Tylenol and packed him up and went to IHOP. He laid in my lap in the booth and was SO pitiful. I got him to sit up and have some creamer shots (lol... just like a mini-me) and he perked up right away. (YES he had eaten breakfast just an hour before that too--I was thinking blood sugar but he'd just eaten!!). Both boys were absolutely wonderful during breakfast. Mikah astonished us all by moving the creamers from one side of the table to the other and counting "One two three four five. Six seven eight nine nine nine" =O

Then we went to the have Granny's oil changed in her car and run through the car wash (two of the boys' favorite things!!). And then we decided to go to Wilder's World. I love WW. It's a blast!! The kids both fell asleep on the way home and I dropped them off and went to work.

I had a customer THROW SOMETHING AT ME. Because when you're a richybitchysnob, apparently that's considered appropriate behavior. She came in to buy some gas and once I explained that the old Flash Card no longer gives the two cents per gallon discount, she asked about the goBlue card (five cents off--BUT it links to your checking account, works like a debit card--you use a PIN number, and you don't have to come inside to pay). Anyway she rolls her eyes, says she'll be going elsewhere, and THROWS HER FLASH CARD AT ME. Y'all, this is all over 14 cents she would have saved. Do you understand me? And you know what? Express Lane across the street does NOT have a rewards program and their gas is usually one cent higher.

So you know what? Go across the street. Pay out the ass for coffee. Pay $2 for a money order. Pay more for gas. I don't give a damn. Thank you, have a nice day. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. I'll cya next week once you realize what a rip off they are over there!! =P

Anyway. Then let's see... who came in... Chris (P), The Magnificent Mr. Michael and A-. the Awesome (I love it when they come in together, like Bonnie & Clyde or something). motoMike and Tom and Tom's girlfriend. Two other people came in and brought me some FOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!. The lady who gets the coffee and needs a bag for all of her cream and sugar. Jeff the orange soda guy (and the Little Cigars). (BTW, how odd is it that I called him the wrong name for a week because there are TWO people that come in and buy THE SAME EXACT THREE ITEMS--two orange sodas and a pack of little cigars--AND they look alike... but don't know each other at all!). Patrick the backflip guy.

And that's it for today. No more excitement.

I'll post about yesterday later. I'm too damn tired right now. I bought a beer, and now I'm too tired to drink it. =\

Love,
Sunshine

Hot hot hot

2010-05-21T12:11:00.000-04:00

Just got done cutting grass and hanging clothes on the line. Suddenly I look down and realize my legs look a little darker. Just a little. I move my sock to see if I have a tan line.

There is a line. I get excited until I look closer. Then I lick my finger and touch my leg.

It's dirt. No tan. Just dirt. WTH?!?!?! What gives? Do I need to start slathering my legs in oil before I go outside and wear long-sleeved shirts to even out?

I've spent the last 23 years being ANTI-tanning-bed and laughed at people who go. But I've seriously considered going for The Legs. It's never been an issue for me before because living in the NORTH I could get away with wearing LONG pants all summer. But here? I'd like to wear a skirt every now and then. Or capris. Or OMG SHORTS (I haven't worn girl shorts in five years... and they just keep getting shorter and more expensive LOL!!).

The alternative is not caring which is my typical MO. I could just not care that my legs are white, because most of the people who LOOK at my legs definitely aren't looking at the color difference between them and my arms. I can certainly tolerate the One Person who Makes Fun of Me because, well, she's got headlights from the way she tans.

Anyway, I've had a productive day so far. Now to bring the clothes in from the line and hopefully get a shower before work!

Love,
Sunshine

PS)
Five good things
1. Hugs
2. Knowing that someone who wanted something really bad is finally getting it (because so help me I was considering doing it at this point!!! re: the Sexy Silver Beast)
3. Mini Reese's cups
4. BLT Subs (Thanks @Perry for the hook up!)
5. Getting to drive the air conditioned car to work today.

I don't care, call the po po, hoe!

2010-05-16T10:43:00.000-04:00

/Madea ;)

Last night Kris and I dropped the kids off with the grandparents. First we went on our own date at Applebee's.

Then we met up with some friends and rode to Cordele to see a band play. Y'all this cover band was amazing--they played everything from Garth Brooks to Metallica to Guns n Roses and John Mayer. They were a drummer, bassist, guitarist, and get this---electric violin. This guy played all the solos--including all of the gorgeous stuff on Fade to Black.

We were pretty blown away. We got there around 10pm and then suddenly it was 2am. So I got into my friend's big HUGE SUV. Because I'd spent the past four hours completely sober (I really think I was the *only* person at this show sober. Honestly I do!!) and so I was driving.

Three minutes later I got pulled over. Apparently my depth perception was off--I'm used to driving a little bitty car--and he just wanted to make sure I wasn't texting or totally wasted. REALLY nice guy, didn't even run the license or anything, just watched me walk back to where he was standing and asked me where we'd been and why I was on the center line and the state of inebriation of my other passengers.

We got home 3ish and went to bed.

Kris had made a deal with me about getting up to pick up the kids, but I had a feeling that as soon as he woke up he'd be begging me to go. Sure enough, at 9:15 (15 minutes AFTER we were supposed to have HAD the kids) he is begging me to go get them and I have to rush and get dressed and run to get them.

All in all though it was a wonderful evening!!! Maybe in a few weeks, once I've recovered, we will do it again. =P

Hey. You there.

2010-05-15T11:49:00.000-04:00

If you ever need someone to talk to, or a friend, or anything at all.

If you ever feel like you're going crazy, or that no one cares, or that all you feel around you is tension or hatred and you just need to feel a moment of peace.

If you ever just need a laugh.

You know I'll always be here. And you know how to find me.

Don't hesitate.

The armadillos come out at midnight

2010-05-15T00:34:00.000-04:00

So... at 10:55 the phone rings. It's Victor. The only thing surprising about that is that he normally calls in late at 11:15, when he's already late.

This time he's calling OFF. And tells ME to call Allison.

Who can't come in and tells me to call James.

Finally we sort everything out (because I can't stay--woulda loved to but Kris works in the morning so I couldn't sleep!).

James walks in. He had JUST taken a sleeping pill when he got the call. I have NO idea how the hell he made it to the store in one piece, but y'all, he was high as a kite. I know most of you guys don't know James, but he's a "mild older gentleman". And he was stumbling around like he was totally drunk. I felt SO bad for him and I am SO pissed at Victor. I don't care that Victor had car troubles........ if you don't have a reliable ride to work, get a job in walking distance.

Anyway, on the ride home I got stopped at a roadblock but it was Frank & them and they just waved me through. Then on the road I live on I almost hit THREE armadillos. Right in a row. Apparently... they come out at midnight... because in all my driving this road the last eight months I'd never seen one. Go figure.

Anyway. Bedtime. I'm exhausted. I can't imagine how James feels... he just got off at 3 today. And he's salary... so this day is unpaid for him. =(

Goodnight, y'all.

For a pessimist I'm pretty optimistic

2010-05-14T09:29:00.001-04:00

I never wanted to say this

You never wanted to stay--well did you?

I put my faith in you-SO MUCH FAITH

And then you... just threw it away

How is everyone this morning? We're great here. I work tonight. We're watching Dumbo and it's on that part where Disney dropped acid and Dumbo gets drunk. Classy. Should my kids be watching this? (lol).

It's beautiful outside, and there is a radio on our back porch now and I put one of my mix CDs in it. Here's an odd example of how I remember things--I had @hockeymom's plate from when @TGWTH brought me some dinner one night and wound up not working for almost a week. The day I was going back to work I burned myself a mix CD to listen to in the car. To help me remember the plate I wrote on the mix CD in sharpie "DON'T FORGET THE PLATE". And I didn't. So it's eternally the Plate Mix. 'Cause that's how weird I roll.

Anyway. I'll leave y'all be.

LIKE HOW THE HELL CAN THAT TINY BRANCH HOLD THAT FREAKIN ELEPHANT ANYWAY???

Heh.

2010-05-13T23:06:00.002-04:00

Oh, @hockeymom, you crack me up.

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn"

And that's all I can share =P

Sunburn!!!!

2010-05-13T12:42:00.000-04:00

Or as my super-hot-friend called it, "Sunny burn!!". Nice.

I swear I need to go to a tanning bed. And just stick my legs in.

Haaaaaaahahaha

2010-05-12T21:26:00.002-04:00

A man watching a hockey game on TV kept
switching channels to a raunchy porn
featuring a lusty couple having sex.
"I don't know whether to watch them
or the game," he said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.
"You already know how to play Hockey!"

If I won the lottery........

2010-05-11T23:48:00.000-04:00

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now....

It's May 11th at 11:11pm. Make a wish. This time I made a totally wild wish. Usually when I smoke my wish-cigarette (the last one in the pack, the one that I turn upside down when I buy a new pack) I make reasonable wishes. They have always come true-----even if it's not in the time period I would have liked. Eventually they all come true. But tonight I made a wild wish that I know isn't going to come true. But hey, it's just a wish.

(And before you ask, I didn't ask to win the lottery, but that's what I'm about to post about).

If I won the lottery....... normally I don't play a heck of a lot of lottery. Okay I never play. I do scratch-offs every now and since I don't play the BIG ones that puts me at $100k max winnings.

So. Let's theorize.

$1500 for 1st month's rent / deposit / utilities / moving expenses (here).
$5000 for my Ninja 250
$5000 for Kris's because I know he'll get jealous
$2000 to fix everything wrong with the grand marquis, including A/C!!!

So that's a total of... $13,500.

$13,000 to pay off the rest of the Mazda... and let my mom keep it.

Okay, that puts us at $26,500 lol.

$1500 to send hockeymom to Hawaii alone without her family (as promised)
$4500 for TheGuyWithTheHat's piano (as promised) and fixing The Sexy Silver Beast (selfish reasons--he said I could drive it once it was fixed)
$4000, 2k each for Shica and PJ for being Freakin' Awesome

So that puts us at $36,500

$1000 for new car seats for the kids
$2000 for random acts of random kindness (I have a feeling I'll dip more into the fund for this...)

$38,000 for my own Tundra. Finally. FINALLY. Dark blue or charcoal grey.
$8000 for Kris and I to take a road trip in that new Tundra (with our 250s on the back) and then an Alaskan cruise from there (as in, PDX)

Okay. That's $85,500.

Let's say $86k for good measure since I know Kris will want a PS3.

The rest (if there's any left after taxes, lol) will go into savings.

I just read this all to Kris. And he thinks it's stupid... spending money on other people we barely know, and not using it all to start our own business (which... would... fail... so I'm thinking we should use it to be kind to others instead of using it to literally dig ourselves deeper...???).

Maybe I could get a used Tundra, LOL. And maybe TGWTH doesn't need a grand piano (because he probably doesn't have that kind of room anyway). And maybe we only need one motorcycle and I can just not share because Kris thinks sharing (ie the wealth) is stupid.

Yea?

What would you guys do with $100,000... because as Kris says "That's just not a lot of money these days"... and then in the same breath, $20 is OMG SO MUCH MONEY if I'm spending it on something.... :\

(For instance, the other night I spent $7 on a total stranger who was trying to get enough gas to drive to Atlanta to Northside hospital. Call me a sucker, but damn it's $7 and I'd rather be wrong than full of regret) (and Kris was mad that I just "threw that money away").

Anyway. Enough.

I was smarter than the sparkplug today. I bought it without help, put it in without help, and then Kailey and I mowed the entire lawn without help.

Love,
The Girl with The Hat That Doesn't Fit that she hasn't Shipped Back Yet.

Sunny in a SKIRT!!!!!!!!

2010-05-11T15:07:00.000-04:00

Here is what I got myself for Mother's Day!!!!!

And........... finally.....................

And then we went to Hooter's! And our waitress was awesome. She talked to us about hockey (huge Thrashers fan). And other completely insane things. I may have had more than two beers by that point and she sat down at the table with us and said "Am I interrupting?" and I said "No, we're talking about pornography addiction. And threesomes." And she just jumped right in with us!!

Weird. Weird weird weird. It was a great night!!

Happy Mother's Day!!

2010-05-10T00:39:00.000-04:00

My top ten awesome things for today?

1. HUGS. Are. Awesome.

2.
"Your girlfriend is totally hot!"
"Absolutely! Of course she can be a bitch sometimes."
"Yeah well, what I'm lacking in hotness I make up for in niceness."
"You are greatly underestimating your potential."
"What... my bitch potential?"
"Uh, no."

Two hours later.
"YOU SAID I WAS HOT EARLIER!!" [it took me a minute to figure it out]
"Well, you are!"

HA!!! I disagree but I was flattered nonetheless!!

3. Dear 166.216.162.#, I hope you sleep better tonight. Missed seeing you reading. Hell, missed seeing you around!!!! Don't be a stranger. =D

4. Getting up tomorrow morning and FINALLY GETTING THOSE DAMN SHOES. (I should have made a "tag" for my epic shoe griping, right?)

5. Working on a Sunday--when usually none of my favorites come in---and having ALMOST ALL of them visit!!!! Holy crap... motoMike, the post office lady and her family, The Mike, Patrick the gorilla...

6. Finding out that Patrick (whose middle name is the most AWESOME guy name ever--Kelly!!! How freaking IRISH is that!!), the gorilla guy, is SOMEONE KRIS AND I KNEW FOREVER AGO!!! How the hell did I miss that? I knew he looked familiar and tonight he opened his trunk cause we were talking about Bikes. And I saw the blades. And I realized HE WAS THE GUY AT THE SKATE PARK WHO DID BACKFLIPS. HOLY CRAP!!!!!! Connection = made. Small freaking world!!

7. Being off until Thursday. Of course by Thursday I'll be locking myself in the closet screaming and ready for work!!!

8. Having Kailey hate two of her new shirts and giving them to me. <3 !!!

9. Having a guy say I'm hot AND buy me a sandwich in one night. Sunny = The Pimp. Haaaaaaahahahaha. I actually have NO idea how I pulled that one off. No flirting involved. Just asked him if he'd go get me a sandwich and he refused to take mah money. Ain't complainin' though!!

10. The way Paramore has a song for EVERY SINGLE emotion I could ever feel. Seriously. It's freaky. NAME ME YOUR SITUATION and I will give you a perfect Paramore song.

Tonight I got in my car, turned on my MP3 player, and screamed along so loudly that I was hoarse 17 minutes later when I got home. The music was so loud that even the person referred to in numbers 2 and 9 above would have written me a ticket. But aaaaaaah, it was great. Nothing better than riding at night with the music loud and the windows down.

I've gone for too long living like I'm not alive
So I'm going to start over tonight
Beginning with you and I
When this memory fades
I'm gonna make sure it's replaced
With chances taken
Hope embraced
I hope I told you

I'm not going
cause I've been waiting for a miracle
And I'm not leaving
I won't let you
Let you give up on a miracle
Cause it might save you

Much love, guys, much love. Today was a better day than I've had in longlongdays.
/Sunshine

PS) I have a 50% off thing for contacts. Whacha think? Should I get some? I know the picture is horrible and I'm all emo-looking...... buuuuuut you get the idea.

Daily ten awesome things for Friday

2010-05-07T10:43:00.000-04:00

1. Going to a funeral and not being as sad because you know she's healed and she's partyin' it up in heaven.

2. Lucky. She's the best dog ever, really. Calm. Patient. Quiet. Just wants food and a little bit of lovin'. Heck she doesn't even like a bunch of exercise.

3. MOTORCYCLES. Sometime this week I'm actually going to ride on the BACK of one. With a very experienced rider. Om nom nom. Thursday night I sat on it and he explained how it all worked and it seems pretty simple. Shica sat on it, too, and now she wants one!!

Here is me on Mike's

And here is the 250 I want. I DID want the lime green but JEEZ, everyone has the lime green!! I do want a pretty purple helmet though. =D Or maybe black with stuff I love airbrushed on it =D

4. Realizing I should have turned on "safesearch" before googling "girl motorcycle gear" because some people's definitions differ from mine... hahaha!!

5. PAYDAY. WOOOOOOOOOOOO. Well, my check sucked this week, but I'll have OVERTIME next week!!!!

6. Shuffling a good deck of playing cards

7. Phase 10.

8. The magnificent marvelous MAD MAD MAD Madam Mim.

9. Getting to see ONE MORE Penguins in the semifinals series because they LOST last night. I'm trying to think about this positively.

10. The other version of Paramore's "Emergency"--the one with the screaming behind the lyrics. MMMMM =D

10 good things and 1 bad

2010-05-04T22:24:00.000-04:00

1. Seeing the amazing connections between people, and how one person saving another person's life can lead that person to save someone else, who can save someone else, who can save someone else. Be the first person in the link. You never know how many people's lives you will change.
2. Taco taco, burrito burrito, fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored kisses.... (SouthPark--- Hennifur Hlopehz)
3. Getting pissed off WITH someone!!! Because it's no fun being pissed off alone!!! (yay @hockeymom!!)
4. The Penguins game coming on tonight at seven.
5. The 22 minutes between the start of Team Umizoomi and the end... oh, the INFINITE POSSIBILITIES!!!! Dishes? Laundry? Mini-nap? Peeing alone?
6. Humor Blogs. Anything in the "Cheezburger" network and also "Not Always Right" (tales of retail hell)

(continuing from earlier)

7. Chalk outlines of bodies---for fun, not for real!

8. Playing Paramore on my cell phone while shooting hoops in my backyard
9. The Penguins KICKING ASS TONIGHT!!!!!!! 2-0, what now HABS?!?!
10. Purging demons.

This afternoon the kids fell asleep and I had a conversation with someone and then sent her this epic two part email (because I tried to send the whole thing and facebook said "Aw hell naw!!"). We'll see. I got about 5/6 of the way into it when I wrote about still being angry.

Most of you readers know the story (those of you reading from the message boards, you were all going through it WITH me in August 2008). Anyway, one of the things that I wrote about was how I still have a hard time at night, just with life in general and everything being so overwhelming, especially the last few weeks which were super-intense.

The only thing I didn't write about was the one thing I'm still angry about. The day it happened Kris had come home from work at 9am as usual and I had asked him to stay up the 3 hours and go to the park with us. He said no, that he'd rather sleep first today and he'd see us at dinner. So we went to the park alone. And then of course everything happened when I was cooking dinner. And even though every other part of it is in the past I just can't seem to forget this one thing---I'm still angry that Kris didn't go to the park with us that day.

I know that's totally stupid. But I let go of the huge things and dwell on the stupid details. Ask anyone that's known me any length of time---that's me. Either way here are some pictures I took that morning at the park.

Before we left that morning...... that's Mikah in the wrap :)

But. It is what it is. And I gotta let it go. =D

Piiiiiictures!!!

2010-05-03T21:47:00.000-04:00

Because I've been doing the blah blah blah boring thing for too many posts.

This is me right before I left for work today.

Jake with Frappe in his mouth. Om nom nom

Forgiveness.

Dooooooodle!!

I mowed the lawn last week. =D

Nothing cooler than shooting hoops in your Thomas the Train undies

Kinda gets it

My husband and his sister.

She tried. But she couldn't start it.

Don't ask =D

Clothesline!!!!!!!!!

Daddy & Doodle playing (I'm goaltending. Poorly.)

Free for shipping!!

I got my HAT. and it was TOO BIG. =(

Mikah "No I think it needs a few more colors to the left."

LUCKY!!!!!! (Shhhh.... no of course she's not inside!!!!!!!...........)

This is what I look like at 5:45am. At work. When I just left at 11:45 the night before.

That's it!!!!! Hate to leave you with that one but...... lol!!!!

Optimism.

2010-04-27T00:07:00.000-04:00

Every day this week I've started keeping a (hand-written) journal. I've listen 10 things that make me smile, or 10 things I'm thankful for, every day. I'm trying to be as specific as possible because if I list something like "my kids" I can't list them again. Instead I'm listing things like "The way Jake says 'I love you' ". Or, the smell of sleeping babies.

So, here is my list today.

1. Listening to a gorgeous song, thinking that it's totally hard to play, and then realizing it's beyond simple (YAY for DAY OLD HATE!!!)
2. Having enough money to go out one day this week and do/get something for myself. Can you say Kohl's? Might be able to get my shoes finally! And a shirt or two!
3. Long showers. Alone. Where I have time to brush my teeth. In the shower.
4. The way the paper looks when you are writing with a really awesome mechanical pencil. With a good eraser on it.
5. A really, really, really good pen.
6. Starting a story, writing 80 pages, giving it up for awhile, and then realizing it's time to finish it. (This seems to be my MO for every story!)
7. The insane things my husband does to try to make me laugh. Guys, you have no idea.
8. Really good sex.
9. Seeing my kids smile at me when I'm having a horrible day
10. Waking up. Because a lot of people won't have that luxury tomorrow.

Anyway. It's time for bed. Much love.

One day at a time

2010-04-26T16:34:00.000-04:00

Well, things are basically back to normal.

1. I'm not an emotional wreck anymore. I don't cry at the slightest stupid thing. I'm feeling optimistic.
2. I've been reaching out to people more. Because apparently that's what I'm supposed to do. Reach out to people. I asked someone to lunch sometime this week but I'm pessimistic. Something about me makes people turn around and run, LOL.
3. My best friend--who dropped off the face of the earth for a month--still hasn't really been around much. I miss having someone to talk to, but that's life. We'll see. I know he's got a ton of crazy stuff going on at home, and I'm sure he'll reach a boiling point and I'll hear about it. And try to help. I hope he knows I'm always there to listen.
4. Work is work. Inspection is the 5th and so it's all clean-clean-clean.
5. I'm off until Thursday. Then it's probably back to the all-weekend thing again, which I missed. I gotta say, I really love weekend nights. That's when everyone I know comes in. Thursday, Friday, Saturday nights. Not so much Sunday because most of my regulars come in for beer. But. I'm ready for normalcy. I'm ready to see all my people again (because all of them were like "OMG are you dead? Did you quit?" when I had those two weekends off in a row).
6. That's it.

Better

2010-04-23T12:08:00.000-04:00

This is my second day not taking hormonal birth control (cause well, I am just gonna need something else...) and my second day of being able to function like a human being.

I've had two good days. I'm about to have a good night.

Fuck Today.

2010-04-21T17:32:00.000-04:00

Today was a hot, nasty day.

I was awake from 4am or so on, and when the kids finally wanted to get up for the day Kris gracefully did so. I tried to go back to sleep but when I couldn't, I just started crying like an idiot. For an hour. In bed. What a waste of a morning sleeping in.

Then I got up and the kids decided that they hated me and wanted me to die, and Kris wasn't much happier. He locked himself into the bedroom for two more hours and went back to sleep, until finally I went in there and negotiated some "time away from home".

I went to the mall. Stopped and saw The Guy Without The Hat for a few minutes, which had to have been the most depressing conversation I've ever had in my life. Went to Claire's to try and find another choker necklace like the one I have. They clearanced them all out and there were no more anywhere... anywhere in the mall at all. So I keep tying this broken piece of crap around my neck, because it's my second girly vice. I want my hair to look decent. And I think I look kinda cute with a choker. Really, if my hair isn't done and I don't have that stupid $3 necklace on, I don't really feel worth looking at.

I went to BAM and got myself a little journal book. It's been forever since I've done something so frivolous and in hindsight I should have just bought a six pack of beer and drank it all. Today. Right now.

Then I walked around the mall some more and everything was just overwhelmingly horrible and miserable. And I cried. In public. And then I sat in my car and wrote a little bit and cried some more.

I'm thinking about the night I went out with my favorite person from church and we talked about always being positive, because you never know what kind of impact you could have on someone's life at any given moment. And I'm writing here today because I've lost faith in that. I know that I've had a positive impact on some people's lives, but I'm so burned out on it right now. No one wants to have a positive impact on mine. Everyone is too busy, too preoccupied, too worried about what their husbands or wives or kids would think of a ten minute conversation. I feel like I've bent over backwards in some of my friendships and the second *I* had a problem, they conveniently ran in the other direction, citing a list of priorities. Things more important than a friend who's done nothing but been there.

I guess this is why it's hard for me to make friend. Because every time I open up to someone and think I have a friend, I get my heart ripped open and left in the mud.

But anyway. In an hour I leave for work. Work today. Work tomorrow. No one coming in to see me because everyone's too busy. Work Friday and Saturday nights but no one coming in to see me because they have more important things to do.

It's almost May. Three weeks ago I was having the time of my life and all too excited about summer, life, everything. I loved my job, I loved my friends, everyone was there for me and with me.

And then I took a breath. And it was gone.

Mood Swings

2010-04-20T10:15:00.000-04:00

I'm experimenting with hormonal birth control (aka the pill) for the first time in 8 years and so far my experience has been... varying.

And by varying, I mean that one minute I'm happy, elated, excited about the universe. And the next I'm in tears, depressed, anxious. It's a horrible roller coaster to be on, and even more horrible to those closest to me that have to deal with "I LOVE YOU!!!...... LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!!!!" and then "F*** YOU!!! WAIT WAIT COME BACK!!!!". It makes me want to lock myself up alone until I balance out, LOL.

But, the one good thing is that my odd three weeks of crippling anger and depression are over. For three weeks, I got up. I went through the motions. I hated everyone. I had no patience with my kids. I had less patience with my husband. I didn't smile at work. I didn't care what I looked like (not that I think I'm attractive normally--I just didn't even care about TRYING). Not even my favorite regulars (including hockeymom, Tomcat, and Mike) really cheered me up. Not even ice cream and cigarettes or (omg) Mocha frappes. Worse, while I enjoyed my first hockey game, I think I would have enjoyed it 100 times more if my brain had had even a touch of seratonin.

But I seem to be doing a lot better (other than the occasional mood swing the last few days). So. I will survive.

*I will not let the actions of others define my level of happiness.

*I will hold onto the few friends I have, for dear life.

*I will learn how to say no to people who are using me.

*I will breathe, and sing, and love.

To those that have been loyal readers through this depressed period, thank you for being there.

At A Loss

2010-04-17T21:41:00.000-04:00

I guess my brain has stopped functioning lately, or has been focusing so intently on things that I can't write about that just opening this "new post" box is completely intimidating.

I'm watching the Canadiens kick some Capitals ass tonight, and it's great. Okay it's really close, so it's not technically "kicking ass", but it's still awesome.

I feel like crap. I'm tired as crap. I'm worn the fudge out. I slept very little last night and got up stupid-early this morning. It's been a rough day. And the next two days are probably going to be rough, too.

Thankfully I have tons of friends. You guys (specifically two of you who are reading) have been nothing short of amazing and I am eternally grateful. You've been with me every step of everything, always offering unbiased advice and unconditional support. Thank you.

I'm about to go to bed as soon as this hockey game is over. Which just went into overtime (figures!!!!!). Hoping the Caps get eliminated so I can keep screaming like a hysterical little girl for the Pens. Because when those two get together..... bad things happen.

Of course..... lol......... (Ovi and Sid....... tell hockeymom that I may have been right---j/k!!)

My first hockey game

2010-04-14T10:11:00.001-04:00

So... Kris and I left Leesburg at 11:30am on Saturday. We got to downtown Atlanta after 5pm. Spring break traffic. It was.... INSANE.

But we finally got there and ate and found our seats. Even though we were on the upper deck we still had a pretty amazing view. It was like we were sitting on top of everyone!

Here's my boyfriend (Crosby, LOL. Thank you hockeymom for reminding me to clear that one up!)

And my other boyfriend (Fleury). This was during warm-up and every time someone moved all the pucks together it made me think of a group of cockroaches all scurrying when the lights turned on. Weird I know!!

Then there was this ceremony...

And then the game began

And my main man had to go sit in the box

And then there was one fight and Cooke got knocked the FUDGE out

"Okay, guys, this is Atlanta's LAST home game. And they haven't been doing so hot. We've already got our playoff spot so.... we're just gonna let 'em have it, okay? It's the right thing to do."

Pic of the bigger fight:

And video!!

Awesome save. Wrong team. :)

The beginning of the end

And the final outcome. I'm convinced they threw the game. Or I'm bad luck.

So in conclusion:

NOT SO AWESOME THINGS ABOUT THE GAME
1. The Penguins lost. Not only did they lose, they lost 0-1 so I didn't get to yell my heart out a single time.
2. I could never find a hat. Nowhere in Atlanta either.
3. Kris somehow convinced me that I wouldn't need my hoodie. So there I was. Thin purple/pink tank top. In case you've never been to a hockey game there's this stuff down there called ICE and it has to be kept FROZEN. So tank tops? They're stupid. I was cold.
4. The drive up was horrific. And endless. But at least we made it on time because we left insanely early.
5. Coors light. Is disgusting. Sorry, just is. I'd rather drink Budweiser.

AWESOME THINGS ABOUT THE GAME
1. It felt surreal. I mean I still felt like I was watching some kind of fantasy thing like I was on TV but I felt like I was part of it---in the TV with them. Which I guess is true in theory since it was on TV, too. But it's hard to explain. It was really cool.
2. Fights. WOO!!!
3. Being completely surrounded by Thrashers fans that were trying to convert us. HA!!
4. Teriyaki chicken wrap. Pretzel. Om nom nom.
5. Getting to see my two favorite players IN THE FLESH.
6. Commiserating the whole drive up and the whole game with hockeymom (see: my facebook wall LOL)
7. The smell.
8. The click-click-click-click-click-click-WHACK-SLAM!. Best sounds ever.v
9. The hoardes of Pens fans on the way out still cheering. And saying "WE KNOW WHO'S GOING TO THE PLAYOFFS!!!!!!"

Disaster

2010-04-12T14:48:00.000-04:00

of a day. Totally one of those "FML" kind of days...

Wake up. Need shower. Skip shower. Feel nasty.

Kids angry. Feel sick and nauseated and still so so so so sore. The kind where I'm going "Dear Google, do I have appendicitis?"

But that's on the backburner. Must dress self and kids. Must dress self and kids. Must tune out the incessant screaming and demands for The Boob.

Pee. Discover keys missing from keyboard. Because OMGZ I peed and had a moment of Stupid when I walked out of the room (actually I closed the laptop but it doesn't always "click" shut and so APPARENTLY they are smart enough to just open it right up.) (And thankfully all the keys were easy ones to pop back on).

Dressed. Grab bag. Load kids in car. It's HOT. Guys it's HOT and we have NO AIR IN THE CAR.

So we drive to Tifton. I'm in about Sylvester when I realize I packed NO DIAPERS OR WIPES. But whatever. Keep going.

Get to the bank and it's HOT. GUYS IT IS HOT AND THE KIDS ARE ASLEEP. So I have to roll the windows down and wait. And we swelter. And finally they wake up.

Thankfully they behave AMAZINGLY at the bank (withdrawl plus name change). They are both too sweet. And then we drive over to McDonald's.

OH MY GOD THE PEOPLE. I was like... "God, now would be a good time for the rapture. Because at worst if I'm wrong I'll at least get my food faster." We finally order and get our food. And my drink FALLS OFF OF MY TRAY and goes exploding everywhere. I get dirty looks from everyone. And of course it's McShit so no replacement cup unless I want to pay for another one. And I do. But I don't want to get in that line again SO HELP ME GOD.

So we go sit down and I just drink out of one of their kiddie cups. And realize that they did not put the tomato on my sandwich. Normally I wouldn't care but it was MADE SPECIAL AND I PAID EXTRA FOR THAT DAMN TOMATO. And just as I'm about to run to the counter really quick while the kids sit and eat in the play area.... Jake says.... Mama I gotta pee pee.

So. I get my sandwich box. AND LEAVE THEIR FOOD ALL SITTING THERE UNATTENDED. And I get Mikah (who's pissed because I interrupted his eating). And Jake. And we go to the bathroom and wait in line. And I leave my sandwich sitting on the changing table and have to wait for the next woman to FINISH PEEING so I can go BACK in there and GET my stupid sandwich box.

And I go to the counter and ask for my tomato. Not a cup because they're still pissy about that. Just a tomato. And she takes my box and slaps a tomato inside of it.

And finally we go back to our table. And all of us eat cold food.

And then we get done and get in the car, miraculously without incident (because like I said THEY are actually being great!).

And then Mikah starts screaming. I don't know why. I checked everything. I pulled over several times. But no matter--he cried from Tifton to the driveway. Over an hour. Non-stop. Screamed. Screeched. MAMA MAMA EEEEEEEEEH WAAAAAAAAAH MAMA MAMA MAMA I HATE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO DIE MAMA!!!!!!! The. Whole. Ride.

So we came inside and I realized that.... we have to do this again later........ because we have no groceries.

Dear God... today would be a FREAKING AWESOME day for the rapture. Thanks.

I promise, though, I had an awesome weekend and I'll post about it soon. I just had to get TODAY off of my chest. Thanks.

Tickets are here!!!!

2010-04-07T15:35:00.000-04:00

Drunken insanity

2010-04-05T11:27:00.000-04:00

Not me, I swear!!

Saturday night was The Night Before Easter (and the resurrection of our Lord and Savior). It was also the beginning of Spring Break.

I have never seen so many completely toasted and trashed people in all my life. I had people laid out over my counter--40 year old women complimenting my breasts and tattoo in almost unintelligible speech while giggling uncontrollably. There was a guy from the Navy who goes back to Jacksonville today. He came in a few times with 2-3 friends. And wow, did they all get sloshed on about 36 Bud Lights!

The police were so busy that I had a drive-off at 1030p and they didn't even call with a case number until an hour later. DUIs out the butt, of course, and one sadder one that I won't even blog about because, well, it makes me sad.

It was crazy-busy and I didn't get home until 12:15am because I still had everything to do by the time Victor showed up!

Now last night was much different, thank goodness!! It was actually Easter Sunday and pretty dead most of the day. Which was worse. I was BORED out of my SKULL and hardly anyone came in!! Mike (sorry, I'm sick of writing The Guy With The Hat... and it's not like "Mike" is that revealing anyway, it's the most common male name in existence. Plus his pic is on here somewhere anyway) came in as soon as I got there pretty much. He's a character, for sure, and never hurting for amusing topics of conversation. Tom came in around 9 and helped me out with what I had left. Veronica came in somewhere in between. Jimmy Ball worked next door and brought me a LandingZoneMcDouble (if you've ever worked McFoodService, you know what this is...... and you're going ooooooh, Sunnyyyyyyy, noooooooo you didn't!!! Yes, I did). And Victor was ALMOST on time. And I got home by 11:35, amazingly. OH!! And I saw someone come in drunk (he claims "just had a little bit to drink") but I won't mention who, but let's just say I was SO SHOCKED that all I could do is laugh the whole time he was there!!! I was like OMG!! He's DRUNK! NO WAY!! NO WAY!!!! 'Cause really he just seemed like the biggest straight-edger in the universe!!!

Of course, I get home on time and I can't sleep. Well, I sleep off and on between about 12:30 and 2am. Then Mikah wakes up and is restless (I had to pee and it woke him up COMPLETELY). And we roll around and roll around and I cry like a little baby because I'm soooooooo tired and he's sooooooo wired. And then he finally goes to sleep. AND JAKE WAKES UP. I'm laying there in bed going "ARE YOU F***ING SERIOUS?!" I get Jake to be relatively still until Kris leaves for work, and then I have to get up. And I'm worn out. Dead.

I'm in a much better mood than when I woke up, even though I'm completely exhausted. I think I'm going to burn us (me and the boys) a mix CD so we can dance (or, they can dance while I clean).

Jake and I are arguing about when he gets to have a small glass of Dr. Pepper. I say (in my head) NEVER!!! My voice says "In a little while" Jake says "JUST A MINUTE!!". Mikah is walking around in Kris's Converse that he mows the lawn with. It's adorable.

I will make a separate post for Easter pics once I upload them.

Much love, everyone. Jake is examining my face and saying "You're missing a piece. The fireman broke it."

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-04-02T13:07:00.000-04:00

Prayer

2010-04-02T10:13:00.000-04:00

1 Thessalonians 5:17

¹⁷^(A)pray without ceasing;

Please pray for all those people who are without homes today.
All those people who are without adequate food or water.
Those who are thankful that the weather is getting warm because they have no jackets.
Those who cannot find work because they have no home, and cannot get a home because they have no work.

Pray for those children who have no family this Easter weekend
And for those families that are physically present but broken nonetheless.

Pray for The Guy with The Hat's mom and the healing of her body... and while you're at it, pray for The Guy With The Hat and the healing of his heart, which he needs more than he probably knows.

Pray for travelling safety for hockeymom and her son (and all the other 11-13 year old kids with them!). Um, speaking of the dozens of 11-13 year olds, pray for hockeymom's continued sanity and when she starts her new job, lay a peace over her heart and allow her to remain calm and rested and stress-free.

Pray for all the Lburg police to remain safe and sound and keep our city that way. Let them be able to rest when they need rest so they can stay healthy and alert on the job.

Pray for my finances. Twice. Please.

Pray thanking God for His sacrifice, His forgiveness, His willingness and desire to be our friend in our times of need. Pray for His will, even if it is different than our own, because sometimes the things He has in mind may be painful now but more than worth it in the end--only He knows, so pray for the strength to trust and wait.

Throughout your day, don't think of it as prayer. Think of it as a constant, never-ending conversation with God. Because He is a God after your own heart, and He wants to know what you're thinking and feeling, even if it's just stuff like which shoes to wear to the grocery store. That's what friends are for.

God is Love. And if you love someone, don't hesitate to tell them today. Because God didn't make that emotion for you to tuck it inside and hide it, He made it so you could show everyone this beautiful thing that He created to heal our souls.

Happy Good Friday everyone.

When it rains

2010-04-02T00:46:00.000-04:00

/paramore (demo)

And when it rains on this side of town
It touches everything
Just say it again and mean it
We don't miss a thing
You made yourself a bed at the bottom
of the blackest hole (blackest hole)
and convinced yourself
that it's not the reason you don't see the sun anymore

and no (oh) how could you do it
(oh I) I never saw it coming
(no oh) I need an ending
So why can't you stay
Just long enough to explain

And when it rains
You always find an escape
Just running away
From all of the ones who love you
From everything
You made yourself a bed at the bottom
Of the blackest hole (blackest hole)
And you'll sleep till May
You'll say that you don't want to see the sun anymore
and no (oh) how could you do it
(oh I) I never saw it coming
(no oh) I need an ending
So why can't you stay
Just long enough to explain

(Explain your side, Take my side)
Take these chances to turn it around
Take these chances we'll make it somehow
And Take these chances and turn it around
Just turn it around.

and no (oh) how could you do it
(oh I) I never saw it coming
no (oh) how could you do it
(oh I) I never saw it coming
no (oh) how could you do it
(oh I) I never saw it coming and
(no oh) I need an ending
So why can't you stay
Just long enough to explain

You can take your time, take my time.

Good grief!!

2010-03-30T21:59:00.000-04:00

It took me about twenty tries today to get to my compose page!!!

Humor of the day:

Posting with loving teasing for Little Miss ACB herself.

Next moment of amusement. I have the whitest legs EVAH!!!! And I'm just not one of those fake-bake girls, sorry!!! I'd rather look emo now than look 65 when I'm 40!!

Kris called in yesterday when Mikah was sick, so he decided to volunteer for a double today. 10am to 10 or 11pm (we'll see here soon). The boys and I went buck-wild today and were outside for eons and then just played our hearts out. I still have to do dinner dishes at some point and clean the playroom... which literally looks like a tornado flew through it!

The kids had VOLUME tonight. A LOT OF IT.

I haven't tried drinking & blogging for awhile but did wind up with almost 2 whole beers tonight. Both the kids are asleep, but restlessly and WITH ANGER. Angry sleep, who knew?! I thought Jake would be done whining once he passed out but jeez, he's still whining in his SLEEP, lol!!

Anywho. It's time for me to start settling down. I have things to do tomorrow. Heck, I still have things to do tonight! Eep!

So much love, everyone. Much love. I'm out light a light.

Yawn

2010-03-29T23:24:00.000-04:00

Hmmm.

Worked a little yesterday and it was fun. Pretty dead but short. Kris showed up to pick me up and it was like a friend convention--Tom, Mike, Mike, Chris, and PJ. Kris finally met The Guy With The Hat. I wholly intended on just a brief introduction but I ended up standing there and watching them go ON and ON and ON for, like, almost 30 minutes. About... here it comes........... hockey!! LOL!!

When I got home tonight Kris had decided to stop cheering for a basically dead team. He was tired of spending his entire hockey season sad and angry. And, let's face it, I beat him into it. He's always WANTED to love the Pens, he just never allowed himself to do it. And, well... he finally gave in. He has hung up his hat. Which, of course, means he wants a Pens hat. Which, of course, isn't going to happen until I get MINE. But at least the game in April will be much more peaceful. And at least we finally have a cool desktop background!!! Of course, Kris just looked at me and said "We're gonna go to that game. And the Thrashers are gonna win. Because I'm a Penguins fan". Yep. Probably.

Mikah had a fever all night last night and woke up at 103+. He's been medicated all day at around 100 but I hope it stays down tonight because I just did NOT sleep. Kris called in so I could sleep in, thank God! And this afternoon I went to dinner with MT and it was awesome!!!!! We went to Applebee's, Shoe Station, and TJ Max (my first time there!!). I found the perfect shoes for SOMEDAY when I get them. And I found Kris a new wallet finally, woo!! And it's a bi-fold wallet, because tri-fold wallets are evil, and everyone out there with a tri-fold wallet needs to get a new one immediately.

Anyway. Time for bed.

Right this very second

2010-03-27T14:42:00.000-04:00

I am listening to Jake sing and bang on drums (AND pots and pans, because we didn't have enough drums for his taste). And Mikah is strumming the broom-guitar and singing along.

Proof:

And also from the other day, since people are STILL commenting on it (and asking ME if I am the SXYMILF... I wish I was a sexy MILF!! LOL!! I wish I drove that BMW too!!!

Yesterday. Jeez. Holy cow, man.

Yesterday my goal was to 1. wake up, 2. get ready, 3. cash a check, 4. buy shoes, 5. go home and change into my skirt, and 6. go to work.

Here's what it was instead.
1. Wake up
2. Get ready
3. Go to work to see if I can cash my check there. No, James wasn't there and he has to approve a check.
4. Go to Colony bank. No.
5. Go to Danfair (the indian store in LBurg). No.
6. Go to Regions. No.
7. Go to the liquor store across from Red Lobster. No. (Policy JUST changed last week!!!)
8. Go to the check cashing place on Broad. No. Because that bank doesn't verify.
9. Go to another seedy liquor store on South Slappey. No.
10. Give up and go to the mall and just ask Kris for his bank card so I can get the kids some lunch and maybe some shoes at the mall.
11. Try to flirt my way into a 20% employee discount at one of the stores. Negative (LOL!).
12. Go to another shoe store. Find cute shoes that are not my size. Find the same shoes but an ugly color, in my size. Surrender.
13. Get money out of the ATM so I can go get the kids drive-thru food.
14. Realize OMGZ I have to be at work SOON!! OMGZ I FORGOT TO GO TO WALMART!!!
15. Drive to Wal-Mart and the ONE thing I went for isn't even in stock. Buy pizzas for the kids.
16. Drive home. Quickly. Wake up Mikah from a nap because hey, I gotta go!
17. Change into the skirt and put on Kailey's shoes. Kailey who wears a 7.5, not an 8.5.
18. Drive to work very very very quickly.
19. Get to work. James cashes the check. AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!

Of course work itself was wonderful though!! But I already posted about that last night. Good thing was, while I was dealing with the Cappuccino machine, I got to rant and rave and bitch and moan about my day, and it made me feel SO much better!!

This morning, not so much. This morning sucked balls from about 10am on out. But on the bright side, I'm still in a great mood, and I got myself 2 beers (1 Yuengling and 1 Blue Moon) to enjoy tonight when the kids go to sleep and it's nice and quiet and JUST ME!!!! YES!!!!!!!!! SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They better go to bed super early tonight!!!!!! I might even watch the Kids Choice Awards (shhh, don't tell!!!)

Ayyyyy

2010-03-26T23:47:00.000-04:00

Had a wonderful night at work!! All of my regulars!!

The guy/Virginia/dog/ex-wife guy came in (Bill) and he brought his two nieces and they are adorable! He threw me for a loop with Bud Light instead of Natty.

Hmmm. We had a drive off. First one in a LONG LONG time!!

TGWTH came in, sans hat. Helped me with the Satanic Entity that is the Crappucino machine.

Watching "The Birdcage". The one where Robin Williams is very, very, very gay. And it's hilarious!!! I'll have to watch the last hour tomorrow though because I'm about to pass out.

So... much love, y'all
Sunshine, who remembered to put the pink Corona hat back on the shelf at the end of the night.

(YES, I wore a hat with tags on it all night)

A house divided

2010-03-25T21:56:00.000-04:00

I got bored tonight and made that as our new desktop background, because I kept changing it to Pens stuff and Kris kept changing it to Thrashers stuff. Of course, we can all see which team is on the more "evolved" side of the picture!

The game last night was actually pretty amazing. Intense is more like it. We really gave 'em a run for their money but at the end I was in total agony. I was watching it at one point thinking "Wow, this game is SO graceful... right up until it gets downright RAUNCHY!" Because really, the way they move is so smooth and graceful and HOLYCRAPSOFAST. It's fascinating just to watch. I can't wait until April, when I (hopefully!!) get to see my first game in the flesh!!

I was really disappointed with last night's Mercy. It didn't even make me tear up a little bit, and normally every episode has me crying my eyes out. Oooh, especially that one with the truck driver dad who has to give up his daughter to her real parents!!! Anyway, no spoilers here. It's funny how everyone is either "Team Chris" or "Team Mike", almost like Edward/Jacob (Edward here, but not because of Rob Pattinson, because honestly Jacob is hotter in the movies. It's because I read the books first!). Anyway, it's always interesting to ask everyone which "team" they are on and why. I gotta be honest, I think I'm the only one left on Team Chris!!! Kris and I are also in disagreement on this one (and apparently, Hockeymom is on Kris's side!! But... she's "partial to the name" Mike)

I mean really... is it any contest?? (Pic on top is Chris, the doctor from Iraq who moved to Veronica's hometown just because he loved her so much, pic on bottom is Mike, the pseudo-husband)

Brief Life Update, and talking about shoes

2010-03-24T15:34:00.000-04:00

The general things.

-Jake is about 90% understandable and thinks more logically than most adults I know.

-Mikah is doing 2-word sentences.

-I cleaned out my dresser and threw out a ton of stuff that was basically falling apart or huge on me (think 38DD nursing bras). I now have no clothes, LOL (I have 3 pairs of jeans, 2 khakis, 1 skirt, 4 girly short sleeved shirts, 2 girly long-sleeved shirts/sweaters (which need to go to storage now!), and 3 t-shirts for around the house. 7 pairs of socks and 5-6 pairs of underwear and 3 bras, LOL).

-FRIDAY I am wearing the skirt to work. Since it was well-received the first time. And I'm getting a new pair of shoes Friday morning. Something like these but maybe navy blue?

or maybe a little cheaper. I used to really love the look of Steve Madden shoes (Ciara got me into them, and I actually think The Guy With The Hat has a pair, or at least a pair that LOOK like Maddens). But they're mucho dinero and I'd have to buy little boy sized ones.

I really just want a smaller, dainty-looking pair of dark tennis shoes, ones that I can wear with a skirt and just make the skirt look casual, LOL. I guess it's harder to explain than I thought. Or maybe I'm just super-picky, who knows!!!

Yeah, I'm super picky. I know.

Lovely day!!! (just a few pics)

2010-03-23T17:27:00.000-04:00

I would say HEY LOOK, a Wordless Wednesday!! But... it's Tuesday. And y'all know me. I don't ever shut up. But I'll be quick since I have to leave for work in an hour and both kids are all over me like I'm a freakin' jungle gym. I got a haircut. And we went to the playground. Pretty much sums it up!!

A desperate man singing to his love.

2010-03-23T00:47:00.000-04:00

Tonight I had someone say to me, "I'm sorry about your friend."
Don't be. He's laying in that bed, looking back at his life, and saying "Wow, that was one hell of a ride!" He took life by the balls. He was... LIFE ABUNDANTLY. =P

Tonight I was riding home from a quiet evening alone, and in the car I heard a song I'd never heard before, and it just struck a chord with me (hehe, literally!). A desperate man singing to his love.

So let's face it, this was never what you wanted
But I know it's fun to pretend
Now blank stares and empty threats
Are all I have
They’re all I have…

So drown me if you can
Or we could just have conversation
and I fall, I fall, I falter.
But I found you before I drift away

Now you still speak of day old hate
Though your whole world has gone up into flames
And isn’t it great to find that you’re really worth nothing
And how safe it is to feel safe

So drown me if you can
Or we could just have conversation
And I fall, I fall, I falter.
But I found you before I drift away

The things we do just to stay alive
The things we do just to stay alive
The things we do just to stay alive

The things we do just to keep ourselves alive.

And then I heard an oldie but a goodie, for me anyway. Maybe this will help. Maybe this will hurt. A desperate man singing to his love. The first two verses are just him listing all the places in the world where he's been and how all he wants is just to come home. The music is really sad. Here is the last part:

Well I've seen a palace in London,
I've seen a castle in Wales,
But I'd rather wake up beside you
And breathe that old familiar smell.
I never thought you could leave me,
I figured I was the one,
But I understand your sadness,
So I guess I should just hold my tongue.
But I'm comin' home
I'm comin' home (x6)

I know that we're taking chances,
You told me life was a risk,
I just have one last question;
Will it be my heart
Or will it be his?

Comin' home,
I'm comin' home (x6)

And of course this one... this is the first verse, but the whole song is amazingly heartbreaking. A desperate man singing to his love.

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you i suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal
But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

And... jeez, I gotta bust out the Dashboard Confessional... A desperate man singing to his love.

So quiet
another wasted night,
the television steals the conversationexhale,
another wasted breath,
again it goes unnoticed.
Please tell me you're just feeling tired
cause if it's more than that I feel that I might breakout of touch, out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
cause I can't read your rolling eyes
out of touch, are we out of time?

Close lipped
another goodnight kiss
is robbed of all it's passion,
your grip
another time, is slack
it leaves me feeling empty.

I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts
of going on without you
this mood of yours is temporary
it seems worth the wait
to see your smile again
out of the corner of my eye
won't be the only way you're looking at me then.

A desperate man singing to his love.

Keep singing, maybe one day she'll be listening.

So proud of Jake!!!

2010-03-22T10:46:00.000-04:00

I was washing dishes earlier this morning and Jake came into the kitchen, no pants or diaper, holding his morning diaper in his hand (because, see, I had since surrendered and was tired of finding poop in strange places, so he wore a diaper until after he pooped and then undies).

He said "Mama, I poop!"

I looked in the diaper. I saw no poop. No traces of evidence that there was once poop in the diaper which could now possibly be smeared all over furniture and walls and carpet. I panicked a little inside.

"Where did you poop, Jake?"

"In the potty!!!"

Well, I didn't believe it, but I played a long. "Really? Show me!"

He led me down the hall. To the bathroom. The light was on. The little white potty seat was on the toilet. And there was POOP. In the TOILET.

I did a dance!!!!

It's one thing to get excited when you put them on the potty and they go. It's another thing entirely when they show you they can do it themselves!!!

3 years 5 months and we can call daytime official =P

Oh, sleep.

2010-03-22T09:41:00.000-04:00

I am so, so, so, so, so tired. If I had a baby gate I'd put it up and nap while the kids played in here with me. Mikah hasn't slept too deeply lately, meaning he's clinging to me and nursing a lot at night. Which means I don't get to sleep on my stomach AT ALL, which is how I sleep best.

So I literally feel like all I've done is lightly doze for the past four or five days, instead of getting any real sleep. Ahhh, all you tossing, turning insomniacs--you have my sympathy. I don't know how you function!!

Hahaaaaaa, I just saw the preview for the new Miley Cyrus movie. Seems... aight. Maybe I'll get some girlfriends and we'll go see it to relive that "I'm 13z and haz a crushz" thing. I also want to see Law Abiding Citizen, anyone have it? And, what's it called, the Blindside?

Jake is channel surfing this morning. He stopped on Law & Order once and asked me "You want this one Mama?" I said, nah, keep goin! Then he stopped on the Spanish channel and Sesame Street was on. EEP!!! Now he's flipping through the Sirius music channels and whining when he stops and it's not on a song he likes. I. Have. Patience. Maybe I should just put a CD in and let him have at it. But then he couldn't "Chain da channel."

Anyway. Tired. Walking around in a haze. Someone text or call and wake me up!!!

there are 4 things you cannot recover in life: the stone after its thrown. the word after its said. the occasion after its missed. the time after its gone.

Let's do it all imperfectly

2010-03-21T21:42:00.002-04:00

i'm okay
if you get me at a good angle
and you're okay
in the right sort of light
and we don't look
like pages from a magazine
but that's all right
that's all right

i crashed your pickup truck
and then i had to drive it back home
i was crying
i was so scared
of what you would do
of what you would say
but you just started laughing
so i started laughing along
saying, it looks a little rough
but it runs okay
it looks a little rough
but it runs good anyway

we get a little further from perfection
each year on the road
i guess that's what they call character
i guess that's just the way it goes
better to be dusty than polished
like some store window mannequin
why don't you touch me where i'm rusty
let me stain your hands

when you're pretty as a picture
they pound down your door
but i've been offered love
in two dimensions before
and i know that it's not all
it's made out to be
let's show them how it's done
let's do it all imperfectly

//ANI//

Top of the mornin' to ya!

2010-03-21T01:29:00.000-04:00

Ooooh, it's early in the morning and I have to be up in, like, less than 8 hours. But I can doooooo it. Doooooo it. I've been slackin' on postin' so I need to step it up!! I've just been crazy busy it seems. Kris or I are always working it seems!!

Anywho... last week's Mercy. There's this part at the end where she's in the bar, and orders a drink, and she's talking to the woman (SPOILER ALERT!!!). The woman asks her what she wants and she says "I just want everyone to leave me the hell alone!" And the woman says "Except not."

And Veronica says "Except not. Because it's the worst when I'm alone."

It really summed up a huge chapter of my life for me right there. Except not. There was always a part of me that wanted to wallow in depression, a part that wanted everyone to leave me the hell alone so I could feel the burning ache inside my soul. I know that sounds emo, but that's exactly what it felt like. And then there was a part of me that wanted help so bad, wanted friends so bad.... but not the nagging, not the complaining, not that. Just friends who would listen and not always ask me "Are you okay?" because JESUS that question gets annoying!! So... when you're at a place where your family and friends are always asking if you're okay, or always trying to give you unsolicited advice, or trying to give you tips on life and which therapist you should see... YES, you want them to LEAVE YOU THE HELL ALONE.

Except not.

You want someone to listen. You want more than anything for someone to just sit there and not judge you and hear what's on your heart, beginning to end, five hundred times. You want someone that isn't going to get sick of the same story on repeat. You want someone that is going to sit there and hold you while you cry and not poke fun at you for it later. You want someone who you can let go with. You don't want to be alone, you want to be alone with someone that can help you heal your heart. You DON'T want advice, you DON'T want to be scolded or lectured, you just want a little feedback and validation and a warm set of arms.

It's a feeling I can't explain adequately to anyone that hasn't been there. The hardest is seeing how confused your closest friends are when you pull them in, push them away, pull them in, push them away... and you don't mean to, it just happens that way.

So... to the friends who have been there for me and pulled me through... thank you. For the friends who are going through it right now... you know if I'm not busy I'm there!! All the way!!! I can think of two readers off the top of my head and I want both of you to know that I'll listen to that same story 500 more times and it'll never, ever get old. I'm always here. Push me, pull me, throw me out and reel me back in--I don't care. Do what you need to do and I'll hold you the whole way as best as I can.

Goodnight, my loves, goodnight.

I hope your mango's ripe

2010-03-18T11:17:00.000-04:00

" I am nothing special; just a common woman with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough."

-- The Notebook

Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again. Sam, do you think there's someone out there you could love as much as your wife?
Sam Baldwin: Well, Dr. Marcia Fieldstone, that's hard to imagine.
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: What are you going to do?
Sam Baldwin: Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: Tell me what was so special about your wife?
Sam Baldwin: Well, how long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were suppose to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic.

Dennis Reed: Annie, when you're attracted to someone, it just means that your subconscious is attracted to their subconscious, subconsciously. So what we think of as fate is just two neuroses knowing that they are a perfect match

Jonah Baldwin: If you get a new wife, I guess you'll get to have sex with her, huh?
Sam Baldwin: I certainly hope so.
Jonah Baldwin: Will she scratch up your back?
Sam Baldwin: [shocked] What?
Jonah Baldwin: In the movies, women are always scratching up the men's back and screaming and stuff when they're having sex.
Sam Baldwin: How do you know all this?
Jonah Baldwin: Jed's got cable.
Sam Baldwin: Oh.

///sleepless in seattle

Kathleen Kelly: What will NY152 say today I wonder. I turn on my computer. I wait impatiently as it connects. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got mail. I hear nothing. Not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beating of my own heart. I have mail. From you.

Kathleen Kelly: [in an email to Joe Fox] The odd thing about this form of communication is that you're more likely to talk about nothing than something. But I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings

///you've got mail

HAVE A GREAT DAY EVERYONE!!!!!!!

Milestone

2010-03-17T23:14:00.002-04:00

This blog has had 150 posts since I started it

and 666 hits since mid-January (2 months or so ago)

Eeeep!!

Thank you all for reading!!!!!

Troll in my closet

2010-03-17T20:44:00.001-04:00

This story was told the other day by someone very close to our family, and well, it's so hilarious I can't help but share!!!

Okay, said friend-of-the-family was on the phone with one of her girlfriends from Washington State. This girl has a 14-15yo son with Down's, and he was out of school that day but she had to work, so she checked in several times to make sure he was okay.

Anyway, during one of the phone calls he says "Mama, I caught me a troll! It's in the closet!"

Of course, he always says this kind of stuff so she doesn't think anything of it. A few hours later she gets home and he's saying "Mama, come look at the troll in my closet!"

So he leads her to his bedroom. Opens his closet door. AND THERE IS A LITTLE MAN IN THERE. IN A SUIT.

It's a little person. A dwarf. A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS. A MINIATURE JEHOVAH'S WITNESS IN THIS KID'S CLOSET!!!!

"Mama, I told him, You're a troll and you're gonna go in my closet until my Mama gets home!"

Dude. I about peed myself.

http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/mistaken/troll.asp

Pictures!!!

2010-03-16T21:30:00.000-04:00

Dial up and mobile viewers... you are about to CRASH AND BURN!!

Mikah: Dums dums!!!

He still always says "Build a sand castle". No idea why!

Mikah napping, Jake playing. I took down the second arch because I need wood glue to fix it.

Go six game losing streak!!! Might be seven, we'll find out in 10 minutes!! (And I still maintain that chicks + gloves = hawt!!)

I weeeear my suuuunglasses at night!

LOLing

Mikah does not want to give up the ball

Give it up already and let me hit it!!

Swing swing!

"No Lucky, this is MY hockey ball"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH EEEEEEK!! SCARY!!!!!!!

Jake: "One, two, three, four five, six, seven, eight, ALL SIXTEEN!"

Me as a total mess, first thing in the morning

Mikah helps out

Ladies' man... and he knows it!

JAKOB AND MIKAH GOT HAIRCUTS TODAY

(MIKAH's first haircut!!!!!!)

Jake's before & after

Mikah's before & after! First haircut ever, his curls went halfway down his back like a mullet!!!!

Thanks for looking!!!

I saw this cigar and I thought of you

2010-03-14T15:40:00.003-04:00

If you know which TV Series I am referring to and can name the actual episode title, you will be handsomely rewarded!!! Hint: When the guy breaks down crying at the end, I totally lose it. Not just tears, I mean I'm a sobbing snot-nosed mess.

Nerd alert: it is March 14th. 3.14. HAPPY PI DAY!!!!! I so wish I had a Pi shirt from thinkgeek! I would totally wear it today (and probably have it in my regular shirt rotation too LOL). Of course the funniest thinkgeek shirt ever is probable the one that says "Fluoride Uranium Carbon Potassium". You either get it or you don't. =P

Since I am posting from The Bug's Emochine, I am unable to do pictures, and it's killer! I have about 10 I am just DYING to share!!! But I don't want to go around my elbow to get to my ass just to share a few pictures, so it can wait until our new power cord (an actual Toshiba one!) arrives.

Today has actually been an AMAZING Sunday. I normally loathe Sundays because it's prime Kris-and-Sunny-fighting-day. Happy Daylight Savings, everyone!

Kris is enjoying his job. He actually gets to "check out" one book at a time--ANY book--for as long as he wants, and bring it back, as long as he doesn't damage it! Isn't that awesome! It's like... killer library! I am just dying to get my hands on some postsecret books!!! Speaking of which, I forgot it was Sunday, can't wait to check out today's secrets!! Right now!! (As I wait for them to load.... what is this, dial up? Nah, just IE!! ARRRGH!!). They're pretty good today. There was one on January that just knocked my freakin' socks off, though.

I'm enjoying the kids now that Kris is working (and not just going out and leaving me all alone with them while he has fun, with me not getting to have any fun, just work/kids/work/kids---you get my point). Yesterday we went outside to play for a long time, and they rode the little motorcycle and played hockey and played on the swingset. Then we took a bath with those new body-paint-soap things I got for them, where they basically painted each other clean. Jake has been asking "When can we take a bath with the colors?" all day!! He keeps trying to make a mess and saying "See I nasty now! I need a bath!" LOL. No dice. Daylight Savings has totally messed up our eating schedule so dinner will be later tonight because we're just now finishing lunch! I'm hoping to be done with dinner/bath/etc by 8-830 though, which feels like 730 to them, which is when they usually start settling down for bed.

But anyway. I saw this cigar and I thought of you.

***And you smoked this cigar and you thought of me.***

Mix CDs always make things better

2010-03-12T10:24:00.000-05:00

Except when you realize you ACCIDENTALLY DELETED YOUR ENTIRE PARAMORE DISCOGRAPHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really wanted to put Careful and Crushcrushcrush on here, uuuuuugh!!!!!

So... here is the monumental "Paramore-and-Ani-free-mix-CD".

1. Call Me When You're Sober (Evanescence)
If you loved me, you would be here with me.
2. 45 (Acoustic) (Shinedown)
3. Crashed (Daughtry)
You will consume me... but I can't walk away
4. Hearts Burst Into Fire (Bullet for my Valentine)
Intro is super cool. Rest of the song is so-so.
5. Do What You Have to Do (Sarah McLachlan)
Yes, this is that song that I love so much!
6. Stan (Elton John & Eminem)
Yeah, that performance was pretty amazing!
7. Don't Trust Me (3oh!3)
This. Song. Is. HILARIOUS!!!
8. How Come (Ray Lamontagne)
9. Raining in Baltimore (Counting Crows)
Three thousand five hundred miles away... what would you change if you could?
10. Wholly Yours (David Crowder Band)
11. I'm Not Alright (Sanctus Reel)
12. All These Lives (Daughtry)
This is written TO the guy who adbucts children.
13. The Last Night (Skillet)
A duet between God and a girl that's about to kill herself
14. Everything Changes (Staind)
Ask for the liner notes on this one.
15. Next to Nothing (Breaking Benjamin)
16. Friend of the Devil (Counting Crows)
Because look, we know he just gets totally stoned before he does anything
17. We're in Heaven
Laugh. Just go ahead. I <3 this!
18. Lost in the Crowd (Shinedown)
I found you in your corner, I pulled you out of the clouds / you left in such a hurry, your face got lost in the crowd

I do not understand

2010-03-12T08:43:00.000-05:00

Men.

Just to be clear, this post really has nothing to do with "love". Just "relationship dynamics". I love Kris very much.

When I was sick last week, Kris didn't come near me, touch me, or anything. He was preoccupied with a project and just came out to tell me I wasn't watching the kids closely enough, or I needed to do such-and-such with the kids, or I needed to clean so-and-so before such-and-such time. Instead of just "laying there and wallowing in it". After I finally threw up around 7:30 Kris told me to just go to bed. So I'd be out of the way. At 7:45 the next morning, after nursing for an hour in bed already, I still got up with the kids. even though Kris hadn't worked, stayed up too late, or done anything to warrant a need for him to sleep in.

Last night I came home from work and he was sick--sinuses and his ear. I offered to go to the store to get him some medicine and he said no. I popped his back. I rubbed his back for 10-15 minutes. I rubbed his neck. I rubbed his arms. His ear that was hurting. And he went to bed. I told him if he was still sick in the morning I'd get up with the kids. Woke up this morning and his nose is completely clear, but his ear still hurts some. So, even though he had no interest in being a good husband when I was sick, and even though today was the day he's been promising me he'd get up with the kids, here I am. I slept maybe 4 hours in little tiny chunks, total. I'm tired. He says he'll get up with them tomorrow, but I know he's just going to pull the "But I had to wooooork until almost 1am" card.

And yet, because I wash the dishes and then forget to hang the towel on the oven door, I'm a bad wife. And yet, because I think kids can skip a bath once a week or so because they've been inside all day, I'm a bad mom. And yet, since I've actually been voicing my opinion of these things back to him (and becoming "more fiesty and talk-back-ative"), I'm a bad, non-submissive wife. If I don't let him sleep until at least 9:45 I'm a bad wife, but if I accidentally get caught up in kid-care and let him sleep past 10:30 I'm worse.

And yet people wonder why I look forward to going to work. It has nothing to do with me "not liking the kids anymore". Hell, if I could take them, I might. It has to do with the kindness of people. When I'm at home, all I ever hear is negative words about everything I'm doing wrong (which is my fault, 'cause if I did stuff right I wouldn't have to hear about how I was doing it wrong!!!). When I'm at work, people actually say NICE things to me. Like, they actually like me or something. Or appreciate something I do. Or compliment me.

When I'm at work, I don't feel like a useless piece of shit.

TGWTH. The one Kris thinks I'm hopelessly in love with? Just one example of several who will actually stop for a few minutes and just listen to me. And not judge. And not take every word I say and try to argue with me about it, only to follow it up with "But I'm not gonna argue about it". Kris wonders why I'm always talking about my customers, namely the ones that listen to me. Well, it's because they're doing what I wish HE would do. Listen. Laugh. Make me feel appreciated and worthy of a civil, intelligent conversation.

Because right now the message I'm getting from these people is "I'm listening, and I care". And sure, Kris thinks I'm naive and that the real message is "You're hot and I want to get in your pants". Either way... Kris is saying and saying "I'm listening and I care" until he's blue in the face, but he's not showing it. His body language and his replies to everything I say just scream "I'm listening, but you're wrong."

So, I guess that kind of sums the relationship aspect up in a nutshell. Sex? Great. Conversations about stupid stuff like Wendy's drive-thru system? Aight. Anything deeper than that? Sheer hell. Do I want a divorce? No. This is just what happens when a laid-back Giver marries an OCD-neat-freak Taker. And the compromises you're willing to make in your first weeks of marriage aren't the same ones you're willing to make after four years. Eventually it gets to a point where someone loves a spotless kitchen more than their spouse, and they're willing to file for divorce over a towel on the counter.

So, my advice for people starting out in a marriage? DON'T always try to compromise. Because when you compromise, no one wins, and everyone gets bitter in the end.

You're not alone.

2010-03-11T23:40:00.000-05:00

02.26.10 / smw

Life is so fragile
It's here living... breathing...
But blink once and it's gone
And all you can do
Is stand screaming... praying...
Just trying to hold on

Sometimes your knuckles
Get so white from
Being locked into that grip
It seems like freedom
Would be letting go
Letting your fingers slip

And it's just me and you now
Alone in this loud crowded room
The world disappears
And I am singing to you

You can let go
You can let it all go
'Cause I will hold you here
I will kiss away
Each & every tear

I quit

2010-03-09T21:51:00.000-05:00

Smoking, that is. I quit smoking. Tomorrow is the real test--I work. I work with K and A, to top it off.

But... I got sick of my hoodie smelling like smoke. There's nothing I hate more than the smell of smoke, and I always said that once someone actually noticed it enough to comment on it, I'd quit. No matter that I hardly smoke a tenth of what most smokers do--less than a pack a week--someone noticed, and so it was time.

Now, what I don't understand is dip. I just don't. I really don't. I understand the habit of smoking the way I do it--as a habit, not an addiction. Psychological. It's something to do with my hands, and something to do with my mouth (oral fixation... in that post waaaaay back). It's something I do when I drive home at night. It's something I do to get a break from work, to be able to step outside for five minutes and be alone and listen to music. I sell the absolute SHIT out of freakin' Grizzly Wintergreen and I just. don't. get. it. I don't understand the attraction. It seems like it would be JUST about the actual nicotine, because the taste doesn't exactly seem appealing (I've never tried--never even be curious--and I'm just strictly basing that opinion on the smell). So... can someone who partakes PLEASE explain the appeal to me? (I know you're reading... now get to 'splainin'!)

Because it's about the ritual. Pack the cigarettes really well. Open the pack, pull out the silver foil. Take the front and center cigarette and turn it upside down. That's the WISH. Which has always come true for me (I wish for reasonable things). Take the cigarette next to it out of the pack. Get a piece of gum. Light the cigarette--and then turn it cherry up and blow on it. You have no idea how many odd looks I get for this!! I always blow on the end as soon as I light it (to make sure it's all lit--because if any of it isn't, it means someone is thinking about me). It makes tiny pieces of paper-ash fly everywhere and is super-irritating but I've just always done it, since middle school, anytime I was a smoker!!

I guess I need to be honest though. It surely must have been somewhat the nicotine, because I do have a killer headache today. Killer. And I'm very emotional.

And today was just a crummy day to be emotional. Almost everything that was said to me almost made me cry (or did, and I just kept it to myself). I guess for the next week or two my intensity is going to go up a little as I readjust my entire life habits to those of a non-smoker again. And honestly, one of my biggest fears is that I'll push those closest to me away with my over-emotional-ness and intensity. Sometimes I just wish I could be normal. Normal, with regular-level emotions and the ability to just laugh a little when things are funny and not feel such intense hurt and pain over the slightest words--even when those words are well-intended.

But, it's just me. I'd be lying if I said I was okay, and you, loyal readers, want me to be honest.

These next few days are going to be rough. Maybe tons of posting. Maybe tons of ranting, raving, bitching, crying. Or, it could go perfectly. Who knows?

We'll see.

As promised

2010-03-08T18:27:00.000-05:00

I said I'd post more once the new keyboard came and it has!!! It's so strange being able to type things... normally... at a regular rate of speed... it's amazing!! In case you couldn't tell, my last post was actually made from my cell phone because Kris had attempted to "just look and see" how the keyboard assembly went, and then managed to break our old keyboard entirely (the wires connecting a certain part of the keyboard didn't work, so several keys just didn't work at all--and of course, those letters WOULD be in our passwords!!!).

Anyway, KEYBOARD! YAY!!!!!!!!

Today we all got up and got ready together. We went to... let's see... Sunset (nom nom nom) for lunch (and yes, it is very strange to be eating in a "classy" restaurant with classical piano playing, knowing it's a rockin' smokin' bar at night!!). Then we rode around and let Jake get his nap out. Nothing more fun than riding around and singing. I could waste gallon after gallon of gas just riding around singing. I know that's not very hippie-esque of me, but bite it. Anyway, once Jake woke up we went to Turtle Park and played on the playground, and then walked over to see Ray Charles ("The piano man, that man plays piano" as Jake says).

Then Mikah was tired so we dropped him off at home with Kris, and Jake and I went to the mall. I needed some gloves for work. And a wallet, since as you all recall, mine went missing and still hasn't turned up. Go figure.

Anyway, as we're walking into Sears, Jake says "We going to see the piano man, the man that plays piano?" And I just looked at him like.... what? WHAT? Because, y'all, The Guy with The Hat works there (sans hat, of course), and he plays piano. I got goosebumps. Anyway, we walked in and I didn't even think TGWTH would be working since I thought he worked days, but lo and behold, Jake hit it right on the money. I asked Jake, "Is that the man who plays piano?" and Jake said "YES" and then after I said hi to TGWTH Jake says "So how bout hockey?" and I got goosebumps all over again. Because if you'll recall from my previous post with dozens of pictures from work, TGWTH is hockeymom's husband.

But, all goosebumps aside, I did find my gloves, and then ventured into the rest of The Mall to find myself a wallet (and I found one I LOVE!!!). Then we came home. That's it. Nice, peaceful, easy day.

More pictures later, after the kiddos are passed out!

Oh... and I also took The Back Way from the mall to my house. A little out of the way, but I had my reasons. It's so peaceful. And I didn't have to deal with 19 or Philema or Zippety-Zip. I was shocked to have full cell signal the entire way, but angry that people kept texting while I was trying to sing to the music!!! (My phone = also my MP3 player and txt/calls stop the music).

But alas... parenthood calls... I smell... poop... eek!!!

Last night

2010-03-07T11:18:00.001-05:00

The kids stayed the night away again. I worked but had the most awesome time until I went home a little after ten!!!! We had a blast!! Then I went home and Kris had set up the kids' hockey stuff in the kitchen so we played and either he's really bad or I'm really good!!! Realized why goaltenders wear all that crap---- one it makes them almost as big as the goal.... two, if that plastic ball hurts my hands, legs, and stomach that bad, I can only imagine what a puck would feel like. I also got to experience getting checked. I flew like five feet and fell into the wall onto the floor, ow!!! But I still won!!! Anyway next we met Shica and her bf at Lee Pub and had a pitcher of Bud and played pool... where i also won twice!! We actually had a blast there and it was nice to just sit and laugh and it was actually my first time to a real bar LOL!! I think I wound up with two or three or four beers... and felt them all this morning!!! But anyway... family dinner today. Hope everyone has a great Sunday!!!

you

2010-03-05T00:10:00.000-05:00

you can't be too careful anymore
when all that is waiting for you
won't come any closer
you've got to reach out a little more
more, more, more...

i have had the most amazing night ever!!!!!!!!!!

i was told that i remind someone of michelle trachtenberg (chloe in mercy). which everyone that knows me says, but still, to have an outsider say it was really flattering, because she's hot, and hilarious!! a few weeks back someone said i looked a lot like bella from twilight... and if it hadn't been a chick i would have just rolled my eyes, but since it was a chick it actually made my night--even though i totally disagree with that one!!

the new lappy keyboard is on the way. kris left the lappy unattended today and the kids removed all the keys. i have a picture if you don't believe me. luckily i was able to recover and replace most of them but i am now missing.... g, p, caps lock, left and right arrow, pg up and down, ins/break/printscrn, both shift keys, both alt keys (and i use alt a ton!!), ctrl, and ~. and half of my space bar connectors are broken off so it just hangs there. i am doing the replacement myself---if i can build a damn desktop, i can slip a new metal chunk into a hole.

anyway.... enough rambling. it's tough to type, so i'm going to post a little less for a week!!

much, much, much, much love
sunshine

words from the wise marilyn monroe

2010-03-03T10:35:00.000-05:00

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

"If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything."

"The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space."

"It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone."

well, kiddies, those are your quotes of the day. i'm off to clean a little, play a little, dance a little, and enjoy my last day off this week!!!

jealous of the moon

2010-03-03T09:05:00.000-05:00

//nickel creek//

Trying on a brand new dress
But you haven't worn the old one yet.
You've come too far, to turn around now.
Giving up a good fight.
You're as strong as anyone.
You're back when you started from,
I see you're back where you started from.

Staring down the stars, jealous of the moon
You wish you could fly.
But you're staying where you are,
there's nothing you can do,
if you're too scared to try.

Drag your pretty head around
Swearing you're gonna drown with a beautiful sigh and a river of lies.
Staring down the stars, jealous of the moon
You wish you could fly.
But you're staying where you are
there's nothing you can do
if you're too scared to try.
Why don't you call me, I could save you.
Together we'll find a God we can pray to that will take you by the hand.
I hate to see a friend of mine,
Laughing out loud when she's crying inside,
but you've got your pride.

Staring down the stars, jealous of the moon
You wish you could fly.
But you're staying where you are
There's nothing you could do, if you're too scared to try.

You're staring down the stars,
You stay where you are,
You're jealous of the moon,
but there's nothing you could do if you're too scared to try,
If you're too scared to try.

i promise i'll make a real post in the next day or two. i've been sick and dealing with government agencies and kris is out of town, so i'm kind of beat to crap and all. sorry, guys, i know the lyrics are getting boring...

yes, i do

2010-03-02T21:59:00.000-05:00

posting these specifically because, at this very moment, i am being made fun of for not liking slipknot.

this is not slipknot, by the way. first person to comment with the artist gets a cookie. no googling/cheating either!!!

Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care

I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.

i know where you saw it

2010-02-28T00:19:00.000-05:00

in relation to this post that i made eons ago about double standards and twilight moms.....

here is another gem

guilty as charged. throw me on there, too, i'd do that glittery 109 year old virgin in a heartbeat!!!!!

compromise

2010-02-28T00:07:00.000-05:00

i have always heard that marriage is about compromise, and family is about compromise. all of our kids' names have certain criteria that must be met. the middle name must start with the letter d, as per family tradition. and the name has to have the letter k in it somewhere, as per kris's name and my love of the letter k.

but i have always had favorite names--we all do, as kids. we dream about what we'll name our future children, without thinking about what the father of those children will think of the names.

here are the other names we considered and agreed on for our kids
kyler dorian
gavin drake
kristian daylor

kaia dawn
kaia donavyn
annika darcy

and here are names that i always loved as a child, but got veto'd

girls
logan adelaide
abbey jolene
kaitlyn mijana
phaedra elisabeth
kora shae
chloe skyler
katja maria

boys
lucas rylan
elliot aleksander
patrick bailey
tristan ashley
israel damian
elijah nikolas
gabriel phoenix

ani difranco has gone soft!!!

2010-02-26T23:52:00.000-05:00

finally surrendering to the power of the anti-shift-key-movement...

example one

and eating a sandwich
standing over the kitchen counter
with only the sound of chewing in the room 
i can see you as a challenge
that i will eagerly meet
cuz you are way way way way sweet
it's just that kind of evening
that cracks open like a half shaken beer
cool and refreshing and running down your arm
and baby there's really no other place i'd rather be than here
so pardon my periodic alarm

and here too

 when we're parted
it's always too long
and every time you come back
you come back so strong
and as soon as we can 
we gotta go lie down
in that place 
where our breath is one sound


andlove ain't far behind you
love ain't far behind

and the song 'smiling underneath' which is too long to post. ah, ani in love. nothing more shockingly gorgeous than that.

jhfjfdkufkhjkhvhtdfty

2010-02-25T22:37:00.006-05:00

I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in the pride
To see nothing in the light
Or turn it off in all my spite,
In all my spite, I'll turn it off

And the worst part is, before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall I will realize
I'm better off when I hit the bottom

Life... is so fragile

2010-02-25T10:10:00.000-05:00

My shift key nubbin has finally fallen off, so capital letters and correct punctuation are hit-or-miss... sorry!

My brain yesterday went into overload, thinking about one thing: the frailty of human life. One second we're here, and then we blink, and we're not. It's as simple and terrifying as that. I have always said that I try to be kind to everyone that comes to my store because you never ever know how close they are to the edge, and what words or actions could push them over.

And to find out that I actually *have* made a difference like that in someone's life is just mind-blowing, earth-shattering, and scary as hell. Because that confirms my hypothesis--that the smallest word or action can impact a series of events that will fall out for the next 100 years. I won't get into the story, because it's very personal, but let's just say that I was shocked, shaken to my core. I had no idea it would have that kind of emotional impact on *me* and that I wouldn't be able to get it out of my mind at all.

I was actually kind of sad last night, because I let my mind wander---to what life would be like if I hadn't had any impact on this person and this person wasn't around anymore. And it made me realize just how enormous of an impact this person has had on my own life, and how much I truly care about them.

Life is fragile, the people around you aren't as strong as they're letting on, and that's okay. We are put here on this earth to love and forgive each other, to share our hopes and dreams and hold each other when we can't hold ourselves together. And the power of something as simple as that--listening, smiling, touching, breathing... can save a life.

Take it from someone who's been there---on *both* sides. You are making a difference.

I really miss Bo

2010-02-23T12:06:00.000-05:00

We rehomed Bo right before Mikah was born, which was a good thing in hindsight because of all that happened right after Mikah was born.

But still. I miss him. So much.

And of course the most hilarious picture sequence ever. Bo called Jake's bluff and kissed him!!

"EWWWWWWW I Can't believe you DID that!!!!!"

I miss his energy. I miss his "LIFE ABUNDANTLY!!!!!!!!". I miss the way Jake could pull on his tail-nubbin... or his balls... or put his arm down his throat. And he'd never move, or blink, or growl, let alone bite. I miss the way every time Jake cried he'd jump up to see what was wrong, and be there at his side even before I was. I miss the way, when I was getting onto Jake about something, he would STEP IN BETWEEN US, like "Look here, woman, this is MY pup!" I miss that 75lb heater on my feet at night. I loved having him there when Kris worked 3rd shift because I never felt like I wasn't 100% safe (even though we had no weapons in the house, and even though our house had already been broken into once).

I miss Bo, Bozer iz a BozerBoi, Boston. I hope he's happy (well, I know he lives on a huge farm and has puppies... so at least he's gettin' some!!).

Picture overload, part 2!!

2010-02-23T09:20:00.000-05:00

Pictures from my night out with Mandy!!

Please keep this "frame of reference" photo in mind. This is me soooober. I deteriorate throughout the night. LOL.

MaNdY

(after just 1 beer in this picture)

(That would be... starting my third beer there... hahaha. I looked at Mandy and was like "Is it hot in here or is it just the beer?" and she laughed.)

"Sunny we need to get a picture together come to my side!! Or, wait, should I come over there to you?" "Ah... yeah"

Nom Nom Nom. Record for me there.

All in all, a VERY fun evening, thanks for looking!!

Picture overload, part 1

2010-02-23T09:04:00.000-05:00

Because that's what happens when I HAVE a life, and a CAMERA!!!! (All the ones of the kids are cell pictures, but you know... details, details)

Doodle on Sunday afternoon

Nerd picture. "Hey, techs, are the headwings right?" (Yes, they are).

Hot stuff!

But I want the PINK one mama!!

Today is Day Two of Intense Potty Training, because someone had to take some initiative in this house. And yes, I totally use the "We don't pee pee on Thomas" line. Suck it.

It was nice and warm yesterday so we all went outside and played! LUCKY SAYS HI!!! And oh my God she needs a bath.... I had already gotten ready for girls' night and had to change cause I smelled like wet dog!!

No frisbees here because of a freak accident I had as a child. We like to roll the ball down the slide. She loves soccer!

He can do it all by himself now and he's SO PROUD!!

Kill Bill, Volume III. "I'm impervious to bullets, mommy"

Okay, part two coming in 10-15 minutes!!! Pictures downloading from the camera now!!!